Yesterday I hit a breaking point. The way my life looks is always shifting, mostly just slightly or gradually. I find the changes are what keeps life exciting, interesting or fun. I'm reminded that any control I feel I have over parts of my life are just an illusion. We don't have control, but it's nice when we feel like we do- when life is moving along with no hiccups. However, I do have moments when the small changes are piling on and just get to me. I have a harder time shifting my way of thinking, moving differently through my day, or changing a routine. If I don't address it, I will break down.
The last two weeks have been harder than usual for me. (It didn't help that I had to take my best friend to the airport this Monday, either.) The groove I was in was disrupted. When that happens, any other minuscule thing seems to cause more interference than usual, and soon I'm feeling like I'm at sea in "The Perfect Storm." So, as my attitude tanked throughout the day, it was no surprise to me that I began to cry as I drove out of the gymnastics parking lot at 9pm with Starks. I cried the entire ride plus another 20" when I got home. Starks asked me on the way home why I was crying, because he always has to have a "why" when I cry. I told him it was like 10 different things. As he pushed, I told him some reasons, but I could tell he was concerned. Starks walked into the house, took a shower, brushed his teeth, fed his fish and watered the plants within 15". LOL! It was precious. He had that face like "See, Mommy! You don't need to tell me to do anything. I'm doing it all on my own." This flurry of activity and lack of the usual resistance was his way of "helping me feel better."
I processed the "whys" for myself as I drove, and it came down to just finally getting to a breaking point of feelings. Sad that I my friend isn't here for the day to day anymore. Sad that Bible Study has ended until September. It always seems to "right" my attitude and focus, and I don't look forward to 4 months without it. Disappointed in changes I just have to accept. Frustration that I have to figure out boundaries with someone I'd rather not have in my life. Not feeling like I have had time lately to just do nothing. Feeling guilty that I'm complaining about that in my head. Upset about a situation at school. Tired of being the "bad guy" at home... the heavy drill instructor. Feeling fenced in by a new schedule. The list goes on, and it's really whiny.
So, I cried, let it out, and hugged my boys. I think just saying it aloud to Russ was helpful, too. I didn't need him to solve anything, but I just wanted to be heard. I wanted him to know how I was feeling. I've been disappointed lately with Chas not telling me things about his day, how he feels, what happened, etc. I've been trying to tell him that a relationship is about sharing in both directions. If it matters to him, it matters to me. He still doesn't want to talk to me or feel that it's always necessary, but I'll continue to talk to him about my day to show him how it works. Hopefully that situation will change- another thing that made me sad.
I have no right to complain about anything. My sister once told me that my life was charmed. It is definitely out of the ordinary and is 180 from how we grew up. I am immeasurably thankful for what God has given me, how he has blessed me, and how I get to spend each day with this marvelous family. I am thankful for being a mother. I am thankful for staying home to take care of my family and set them up for success. I am thankful that we have the means to provide shelter, food, experiences, and opportunity for ourselves and our boys. I am thankful I have so many wonderful people in my life. I am so very happy. Yesterday was just a tough day. I am not complaining or wishing circumstances were different. I just had to address and think about what I was feeling, what I could do about it, what I had to let go of, how I needed to change, and what I was to learn. That's not so bad when something happens, but when I let it build up to a trash heap, it's SO much harder.
So far today, I got fueled by my Starbucks Sugar Free Vanilla Latte, was lifted up by my HomeGrown CrossFit family (They just make me smile and laugh.), put my thoughts into words here, and am going to go out and enjoy this beautiful day! Luke 6:45b "What you say flows from the what is in the heart." My heart is in a better state today, and I'm praying God will help me to keep it clean! I have to love all parts of my day, good and bad, and know that I need to trust God's plan for it all. I know from experience that it's always better on the other side of change!
