Introducing Verlana version 2005

  Lately, one of the accounts I follow on Twitter that usually posts interesting things is posting more "spam" type of things.  I don't click through on them, but as I read "the hook," I ponder why someone would and who they are targeting.  "10 things every woman(man) hates(loves) that men(women) do during sex."  "What your body type/shape says about you."  "10 things women do that men never know about."  "12 illegal things we've all done once and never knew."  I mean, the list GOES.ON.  If I click to see what they're talking about, what does that get me?  What is the point?

I would either judge myself in a good or bad light depending on the topic.  Stop there.  I would judge myself against what/whom?  Am I NOT doing the right things during sex?  Aren't the right things whatever my partner and I agree to do?  Who cares what anyone else likes or doesn't like?  Why does it matter?  I don't get it.  If I were to read about it, though, I'd probably end up thinking I didn't live up to something.  I mean, can I change my body shape?  To a degree, I can, but I'm also going to have genetics that play a part in where my body gains fat first, or how wide my hips are, or if my thighs could ever live up to the thigh gap phenomenon.  If I did something illegal without knowing, would I honestly STOP or just agree that if it was illegal but ridiculous that it's one of those laws that should have never made it to the books.  Would I think I wasn't risky enough?  Or too much so?  Would these really teach me anything to make me grow into a better person?

These articles remind of me of the checkout line placement of trash magazines that throw in my face "facts" or lies about celebrities and their lives.  Oh.My.Goodness.  I can't imagine all of the horrific photos someone could get of me during a typical day.  I mean, my face is totally expressive, and I'm sure mid-expression, I look like a monster.  Post that with a headline of how I must be addicted to pain medicine, and anyone would be convinced it's truth!  Consider yourself lucky if you haven't seen my ass blown up in HD showing each dimple of cellulite.  These magazines get sold, so people are interested enough to SPEND MONEY on them.  Compare yourself against a person you've put on a pedestal in some way to be better, prettier, or more successful than yourself, and then see them knocked off!  Wow.  That must make someone feel SO good to know those celebrities are human with problems... just like themselves!  Who knew.  I am thankful no one follows me around waiting to capture each mistake and poor decision to be broadcast for others to see and then use to place me below them in some way in their minds.

We've got to stop.  We've got to quit measuring ourselves against one another and LOVE each other.  LOVE, PEOPLE!    Not worry about how we compare to another but be THANKFUL for how WE were made.  Then, forget the world.  Forget what it teaches us through media and just instead focus on how we can lift each other up... and not worry about how high compared to ourselves.  Not lift them enough to be beside us or JUST a bit below us (however you are measuring), but really not worry about getting them up high.  High enough that they're out of reach, how about that?  Do we have it in us to help someone be BETTER than ourselves?

Now, a while ago, Russ changed my profile picture on Facebook (obviously before he worked for Twitter!) while I was out of the house.  He'd been looking through pictures of us on the computer with the boys, and they came across a picture of me during our drive from PA to CA when I was 8+ months pregnant, with a short, horrible haircut, braces (I was getting an impacted tooth pulled into place), and just not in a "good" place physically.  (Full disclosure, I gain A LOT of weight in pregnancy... has nothing to do with indulging cookies and milk every night, it's all genetics. ;)  Anyway, I came home, saw it up on the computer, and FLIPPED OUT.  I felt violated.  I didn't want to remember visually that person ever again.  And I sure as hell didn't want to introduce her to anyone who'd never met that version of Verlana.  I was upset for a while at him, changed my passwords, and let him know how I felt!  He posted it as a "LOOK HOW MUCH SHE'S CHANGED!  I'm so proud of her!"  I certainly did not feel proud.

Anyway, I came across her yesterday while we're preparing for our new bedroom furniture.  Russ was going through the belongings he'd had in his bedside table and found a picture of us at "prom" before he graduated Wharton.   I'm introducing her to you today.  We've all got to own our past- the mistakes we made, the paths we've taken off track, and all of the good fortune we had.  ALL of it.  I'm claiming the versions of myself, too.  I got here today through version 2005.  Embrace ALL of the "ugly," messy, not so flattering history in your life story, and be thankful for how you've changed!

When I asked Russ permission to post this picture, I figured I'd get a rapid, "Yes." However, there was an long, unexpected pause before he asked, "Do you remember how upset at me you were when I posted it?"  Yes, I do.  But, if Russ can love me through all of my past selves, then I should, too.  :)

Russ, My Love

     I dated Mike for a year when I was in college.  When I realized he was a great guy but not the right guy for me, I broke up with him.  I knew the right guy was Russ.  I knew either he was the right guy for me or there was an identical male somewhere that was.  We vacillated between being friends and dating throughout the years, and all I knew was that I wanted to be around with him irrespective of how we labelled it.  I fully enjoyed his company.  We had fun, laughed, enjoyed adventures, and he, of course, was handsome, thoughtful, chivalrous...

     Currently, our life is comfortable.  We have routines and a way of moving throughout our days, weeks, and years as if guided internally.  We each shoulder different responsibilities and others we share.  He has different interests than I, yet we also share common passions.  We have each changed and grown, but we've been blessed to do it in a way that's more parallel than divergent.  I remember my Daddy sharing this about a good marriage, "You have to not have expectations.  When you have expectations of another person, you saying you're not happy with who they are.  You have to love who they are and not expect them to be anything else."  I loved hearing that, and I have tried to remember it often... like when I expect Russ to read my mind (Why in the world would I even?)... or when I've planned out a day in my head without telling anyone about it and am frustrated when it doesn't play out... LOL.  Silly Verlana.

     I am not in love with what Russ and his talents provide for our family, but I am in love with who he is inside.  He is still thoughtful, and I get to see that characteristic played out not only toward me but our boys.  He is forgiving- over and over again.  He still holds my hand and opens any door (when I remember to let him).  He is so very intelligent it's intimidating.  ;)  He is adventurous and loves spending time with us.  He is a great listener and gives solid advice.  He is driven and compassionate.  He has great mirror neurons.

     Russ will listen to my rambling, convoluted stories (for YEARS, people!) and not roll his eyes.  He is a complete partner, and we share decisions, desires, plans, and everything.  He wants to be with me whether running errands, doing chores, or something more exciting.  I think you know how awesome that feels when someone wants to be with you no matter you're doing.  It's not about the stuff, but it's just about the company.  After 17 years, he still loves to be with me.  He's proud of me.  He will let me know how I could do something better, but he'll sandwich it with tact and love.  (Not to say I can swallow that information without choking, but he TRIES to make it easy.)

     I could write so much about how wonderful he is as a father, but I'm keeping this between us.  :)  I am still deeply in love with him and incredibly thankful for having him by my side.  I just felt like I needed to say this despite any birthday, Father's Day, or another occasion.  There's no reason to put off expressing love.  We don't have to save it for a day marked on a calendar.  Just let it out!

   

Breaking Point

     Yesterday I hit a breaking point.  The way my life looks is always shifting, mostly just slightly or gradually.  I find the changes are what keeps life exciting, interesting or fun.  I'm reminded that any control I feel I have over parts of my life are just an illusion.  We don't have control, but it's nice when we feel like we do- when life is moving along with no hiccups.  However, I do have moments when the small changes are piling on and just get to me.  I have a harder time shifting my way of thinking, moving differently through my day, or changing a routine.  If I don't address it, I will break down.

     The last two weeks have been harder than usual for me.  (It didn't help that I had to take my best friend to the airport this Monday, either.)  The groove I was in was disrupted.  When that happens, any other minuscule thing seems to cause more interference than usual, and soon I'm feeling like I'm at sea in "The Perfect Storm."  So, as my attitude tanked throughout the day, it was no surprise to me that I began to cry as I drove out of the gymnastics parking lot at 9pm with Starks.  I cried the entire ride plus another 20" when I got home.  Starks asked me on the way home why I was crying, because he always has to have a "why" when I cry.  I told him it was like 10 different things.  As he pushed, I told him some reasons, but I could tell he was concerned.   Starks walked into the house, took a shower, brushed his teeth, fed his fish and watered the plants within 15".  LOL!  It was precious.  He had that face like "See, Mommy!  You don't need to tell me to do anything.  I'm doing it all on my own."  This flurry of activity and lack of the usual resistance was his way of "helping me feel better."

     I processed the "whys" for myself as I drove, and it came down to just finally getting to a breaking point of feelings.  Sad that I my friend isn't here for the day to day anymore.  Sad that Bible Study has ended until September.  It always seems to "right" my attitude and focus, and I don't look forward to 4 months without it.  Disappointed in changes I just have to accept.  Frustration that I have to figure out boundaries with someone I'd rather not have in my life.  Not feeling like I have had time lately to just do nothing.  Feeling guilty that I'm complaining about that in my head.  Upset about a situation at school.  Tired of being the "bad guy" at home... the heavy drill instructor.  Feeling fenced in by a new schedule.  The list goes on, and it's really whiny.

     So, I cried, let it out, and hugged my boys.  I think just saying it aloud to Russ was helpful, too.  I didn't need him to solve anything, but I just wanted to be heard.   I wanted him to know how I was feeling.  I've been disappointed lately with Chas not telling me things about his day, how he feels, what happened, etc.  I've been trying to tell him that a relationship is about sharing in both directions.  If it matters to him, it matters to me.  He still doesn't want to talk to me or feel that it's always necessary, but I'll continue to talk to him about my day to show him how it works.  Hopefully that situation will change- another thing that made me sad.

     I have no right to complain about anything.  My sister once told me that my life was charmed.  It is definitely out of the ordinary and is 180 from how we grew up.  I am immeasurably thankful for what God has given me, how he has blessed me, and how I get to spend each day with this marvelous family.  I am thankful for being a mother.  I am thankful for staying home to take care of my family and set them up for success.  I am thankful that we have the means to provide shelter, food, experiences, and opportunity for ourselves and our boys.  I am thankful I have so many wonderful people in my life.  I am so very happy.  Yesterday was just a tough day.  I am not complaining or wishing circumstances were different.  I just had to address and think about what I was feeling, what I could do about it, what I had to let go of, how I needed to change, and what I was to learn.  That's not so bad when something happens, but when I let it build up to a trash heap, it's SO much harder.

     So far today, I got fueled by my Starbucks Sugar Free Vanilla Latte, was lifted up by my HomeGrown CrossFit family (They just make me smile and laugh.), put my thoughts into words here, and am going to go out and enjoy this beautiful day!  Luke 6:45b "What you say flows from the what is in the heart."  My heart is in a better state today, and I'm praying God will help me to keep it clean!  I have to love all parts of my day, good and bad, and know that I need to trust God's plan for it all.  I know from experience that it's always better on the other side of change! 

Falling in love

     I was a Labor and Delivery Nurse, and I LOVED my job even before I had my own kids.  Then, I had these beautiful babies of my own that I could love, kiss, hold, hug and sit in awe of whenever I wanted.  I loved them so much that I played endless rounds of mind numbing trains, cars, or blocks.  I read to them when I had trouble keeping my own eyes open.  I loved watching them nurse, learn, discover, and grow.  I loved them through the eyes of their mother, the one who birthed them.  They depended on me for everything in the beginning and for most things for many years after.

     As they've grown up, their existence doesn't really hinge on me as much.  I am an awesome taxi service, which I enjoy.  But other than that, they can prepare their own food, make pretty good decisions, not burn down the house if we're gone, and entertain themselves if needed.  They can do laundry, bathe themselves, read to themselves, and even take care of the dogs.  So, with this growing independence, which I believe I'm meant to teach them and encourage in them, I get to take a step back and start seeing them through the world's eye.  Oh.my.goodness.  I'm falling in love.

     I can remember in high school watching a boyfriend play guitar and being mesmerized.  I enjoyed being around boys then that I could talk to like they were friends- the ones that didn't walk around with puffed chests and egos that parted the crowd before they walked through.  I had a crush on a guy in high school for 4 years because he was a goofball and made me laugh.  One reason it's nice being a mom of boys is that I can remember being a teenage girl.  ;)

     I look at Anthony, and I swear that I can physically feel my heart swelling in my chest.  He's the quiet type.  Doesn't say much, but he's listening.  His moral character is strong, and he's so rational that he can be the voice of reason in our house.  I sit there listening to him play guitar, and I feel like that girl back in high school... amazed and eager to stay until the end of the concert.  I see those gorgeous, green eyes and big smile, and I think about the next woman who will look into those eyes every day of her life with him.  They're so soft and taking in what you're saying.  How lucky she will be!  She'll get to make him laugh and witness the smile that goes from his mouth to the sides of his temples.  He'll open her doors, give thoughtful gifts, and listen when he asks how her day went.

     I look at Chas, and I feel my heart FALL in my chest.  It melts.  Looking at him moves me to grab him and hug him tightly.  He's got those powerful, blue eyes that almost intently search your soul as you speak.  Chas is a sensitive boy that puts you at ease yet makes you laugh.  He'll be the husband who will recognize the second she walks in the door that his wife's had a bad day, and he'll wrap his arms around her as she lets loose.  He's the boy now that will come to my aide without my asking and give me a hug when I'm crying, feeling down, or just sad.  He PAYS attention!  It seems he has 100% recall most times, and he'll be a great listener, communicator, and love with all of his heart.  I like to sit at the park and hang out with him now, so I can imagine what girls think of him.

     Starks is still young and needs me a little more that I've only begun to take a step back.  His teacher let me know that he'd fit in at her house very well.  :)  She said, "He makes me laugh at least once a day."  I can see that!  He makes ME laugh.  He'll probably be the guy that'll make his girlfriend laugh while she's crying.  (Russ knows something about that.)  He is VERY thoughtful, too, and makes sure I know that he loves me and thinks I'm awesome if he sees my tears or knows I'm sad.  After putting them to bed the other night, he asked Chas to say another prayer for me with him because he was "worried" about me and my cold.  Too much precious!  Starks is abundantly affectionate and will no doubt show his love in that way.  He'll hold hands, put his arm around his girlfriend, and want to be close.  I see him as a protector and adorer of his love.  He'll be all in.

     What a gift to be given these glimpses of what they do today and possible translations into their lives later.  I do know that God blessed me with three utterly amazing boys that fill my heart, teach me, and grow me in some way each day.  I pray they hold on to the truth of who they are and are bold enough to grow into who they are meant to be.  I feel like if the goal of parenting was to make the next generation better than myself, then I need to drop the mic and strut off the stage.  However, I know there's more to be done, and that's not actually the aim.

     I am acutely aware of my precious, limited time with the boys in our home, and I'm soaking it all in.  ALL of it.  Arguments.  Referee time.  Laughter.  Conversation.  Laundry.  Cooking EVERY day- like three times.  ;)  Watching them move through the hours around me.  I get to be here.  I am privileged to see their faces, hear their voices, know their hearts, hold their bodies, and share with them.  My gracious, I have no idea how one person could deserve so much beauty.

I survived!! :D

So, Anthony's high school had a water main break, and I had to pick him up from school.  LOL.  That's when I just have to say, "God, you've got this!  I have my schedule, but it's not the best one."  I dropped Anthony off a few blocks from home so as not to add too much time to my drive to the box, and I got there only 5 minutes late.  As I drove up to park, there was a line of people running back to the gym with med balls.  SO sad I missed that one.  ;)  I asked if it was OK if I still took the class since I was late, and they immediately told me it was no big deal.

I saw the white board, and what I thought was the WOD.  It was something about bar facing burpees and squat cleans.  Ew.  However, I was open to being ready for anything.  When I circled up to warm up and stretch, I realized that board was someone else's WOD.  Ours was a "JT" ascending reps of everything that's hard for me!  YEA!!!  Handstand push ups, push ups, and ring dips.  So, one rep of each, then two of each, and so on.  Since my hiatus from HSPUs with my wrist problem, I've not had them come up in too many WODs, thus I haven't returned to my capability from where I left off. :(  I did the first 5 rounds with HSPUs and then subbed 25# Dumbbell Presses.  Ring Dips were done with a gray band (my first time being able to use a band since we don't have any!!!), and I didn't count the ones that I couldn't lock out.  I did a lot of 1/2 ring dips.  LOL.  Anyway, it ended up being 7 round plus 7 reps.  Not bad considering those were all of the muscles that were SUPER sore and tired from "Cindy" on Saturday and "Grace" on Sunday.  Whew.

I introduced myself to one other woman, but other than her, no one else talked to me- which is good!  It was nice to be in my own world laughing at myself for not locking out and smiling in frustration.  Plus, I get it.  Back in the day when I did Body Pump or some other class, I'd look at all of those Newbies at the beginning of the year with some discontent that they were clogging up our space and knowing they wouldn't last a month.  Granted, I was happy they were beginning their "New Year's Resolution," but I also wanted them to begin it somewhere else.  Evil of me....

Anyway, I liked the coaching I got on the lifts before the WOD.  I felt strong but like I should've eaten beforehand.  There's something about lifting that makes me just shaky and feeling depleted- which is such a great feeling!  I love it.

I am actually excited to return.  It wasn't as hardcore as I pictured it being.  It was almost like being at home in some ways.  It'll be interesting to do a partner WOD some day, as I've heard about them but have never done them.  All of my preconceived opinions or thoughts were misconceptions.  What was over that hill that I couldn't see was not much different that my own backyard.  :)

What would you do if you knew you could never fail?

This is one of several "motivational" canvases in our Podiatrist's office.  ;)  Chas always asks me what I'd do.  I can't really come up with something at the time.  I think that before I can answer that question, I have to define failure.  What does failing look like to me?  I jumped out of an airplane in college because I had the opportunity to do so.  (It was awesome!)  I trained for and ran 1/2 marathons and a sprint triathlon years ago just to say I did them.  *and to be with friends*  So, I'm usually stumped and turn it back to Chas asking him what he'd do instead.  I guess I never really felt like fear of failure was holding me back from trying anything important...

...Fast forward to this Christmas break.  I opened up my bible study a few days here and there to get back into it and hear from God.  We're studying Isaiah, and it's often much of the same.  Warning about destruction, rebuke about their hideous behavior, prophesy if nothing changes, etc.  There are some awesome nuggets of hope in there and currently Hezekiah is at times a great model for prayer and faith.  However, these days I wasn't getting anything that jumped out at me as an application.  So, I went deeper into pride.  Hezekiah showed the Babylonians all of his storehouses of grain, silver, gold and such.  We don't really know why, if it was pride or maybe trying to get them to see what he could offer them for an alliance against the dreaded Assyrians that threatened pretty much everyone in the region.  Either way, I was led to think about pride.

Being proud is OK.  Having pride in something I achieved is OK.  Being "prideful" is not.  That's when your pride turns into being haughty, feeling superior to another, or producing disdain for another.  I am proud of myself for doing CrossFit since Aug. 16, 2010.  I am good about motivating myself to not only do a WOD (workout of the day) but pushing myself in one as well.  Because of that and because it's totally convenient to fit into my schedule whenever I want/need, I've done well and have been happy doing it at home.  We have a complete gym here that lacks nothing, and I love it!  Why pay for it at a box and have to drive somewhere?

Ryan Neading and my husband have both asked me at times why I don't try a box.  (CrossFit gym)  I immediately feel defensive inside and state reasons as to why.  Mostly, they are because of me.  "If I went to a gym, I'd not be able to celebrate my accomplishments, PRs, small victories if others were exceeding mine."  "I'd have a hard time not comparing myself to those around me."  "I do NOT do well with people shouting at me and encouraging me to push harder.  It pisses me off inside."  "I like knowing what's next... the WOD ahead of time."  None of these is a good reason in reality, but what God kind of forced me to look at this past weekend was that it comes down to fear and pride.  WHAT?  Yep!  Fear that I would not meet another's expectation.  I am the strongest woman in my house because I'm the only woman in my house.  I would not be at a gym.  There's the pride part.  I also realized that I have a view of what I THINK a box will be like when in reality, I have no idea what it will be like.  I really felt like God was pulling me to try it.  I'm not sure if it's to learn humility, to stretch my mind, to open my heart, to deal with pride, or to grow in me in another way I'm not aware of yet.

What I do know is I'm trying my first class today in 40 minutes.  I have no idea what to expect.  I'm shaving my callouses just in case and packing a gear bag with the things I use for various WODs.  ;)  I'm going to try to be as prepared as possible.  I'm going to embrace whatever I'm shown, and I know that through this obedience, I can only be blessed in some way.  That way my be what CrossFit repeatedly shoves in my face every week- all of my weaknesses.

I can't remember the last time I made a New Year's Resolution, and this is not one.  This is listening to God and being obedient to step out of the boat like Peter.  I'm not about to walk on water, but I'm also sure I'm not going to sink.  I want to puke.  I'm excited.  I'm nervous.  I'm a CrossFitter.  I will not let this water main break at the high school that just happened make me late and not go because I have to pick up my son from school.  LOL!  Seriously... this call just happened.  ;)  Now I really have to go to make sure I make the class!