I was a Labor and Delivery Nurse, and I LOVED my job even before I had my own kids. Then, I had these beautiful babies of my own that I could love, kiss, hold, hug and sit in awe of whenever I wanted. I loved them so much that I played endless rounds of mind numbing trains, cars, or blocks. I read to them when I had trouble keeping my own eyes open. I loved watching them nurse, learn, discover, and grow. I loved them through the eyes of their mother, the one who birthed them. They depended on me for everything in the beginning and for most things for many years after.
As they've grown up, their existence doesn't really hinge on me as much. I am an awesome taxi service, which I enjoy. But other than that, they can prepare their own food, make pretty good decisions, not burn down the house if we're gone, and entertain themselves if needed. They can do laundry, bathe themselves, read to themselves, and even take care of the dogs. So, with this growing independence, which I believe I'm meant to teach them and encourage in them, I get to take a step back and start seeing them through the world's eye. Oh.my.goodness. I'm falling in love.
I can remember in high school watching a boyfriend play guitar and being mesmerized. I enjoyed being around boys then that I could talk to like they were friends- the ones that didn't walk around with puffed chests and egos that parted the crowd before they walked through. I had a crush on a guy in high school for 4 years because he was a goofball and made me laugh. One reason it's nice being a mom of boys is that I can remember being a teenage girl. ;)
I look at Anthony, and I swear that I can physically feel my heart swelling in my chest. He's the quiet type. Doesn't say much, but he's listening. His moral character is strong, and he's so rational that he can be the voice of reason in our house. I sit there listening to him play guitar, and I feel like that girl back in high school... amazed and eager to stay until the end of the concert. I see those gorgeous, green eyes and big smile, and I think about the next woman who will look into those eyes every day of her life with him. They're so soft and taking in what you're saying. How lucky she will be! She'll get to make him laugh and witness the smile that goes from his mouth to the sides of his temples. He'll open her doors, give thoughtful gifts, and listen when he asks how her day went.
I look at Chas, and I feel my heart FALL in my chest. It melts. Looking at him moves me to grab him and hug him tightly. He's got those powerful, blue eyes that almost intently search your soul as you speak. Chas is a sensitive boy that puts you at ease yet makes you laugh. He'll be the husband who will recognize the second she walks in the door that his wife's had a bad day, and he'll wrap his arms around her as she lets loose. He's the boy now that will come to my aide without my asking and give me a hug when I'm crying, feeling down, or just sad. He PAYS attention! It seems he has 100% recall most times, and he'll be a great listener, communicator, and love with all of his heart. I like to sit at the park and hang out with him now, so I can imagine what girls think of him.
Starks is still young and needs me a little more that I've only begun to take a step back. His teacher let me know that he'd fit in at her house very well. :) She said, "He makes me laugh at least once a day." I can see that! He makes ME laugh. He'll probably be the guy that'll make his girlfriend laugh while she's crying. (Russ knows something about that.) He is VERY thoughtful, too, and makes sure I know that he loves me and thinks I'm awesome if he sees my tears or knows I'm sad. After putting them to bed the other night, he asked Chas to say another prayer for me with him because he was "worried" about me and my cold. Too much precious! Starks is abundantly affectionate and will no doubt show his love in that way. He'll hold hands, put his arm around his girlfriend, and want to be close. I see him as a protector and adorer of his love. He'll be all in.
What a gift to be given these glimpses of what they do today and possible translations into their lives later. I do know that God blessed me with three utterly amazing boys that fill my heart, teach me, and grow me in some way each day. I pray they hold on to the truth of who they are and are bold enough to grow into who they are meant to be. I feel like if the goal of parenting was to make the next generation better than myself, then I need to drop the mic and strut off the stage. However, I know there's more to be done, and that's not actually the aim.
I am acutely aware of my precious, limited time with the boys in our home, and I'm soaking it all in. ALL of it. Arguments. Referee time. Laughter. Conversation. Laundry. Cooking EVERY day- like three times. ;) Watching them move through the hours around me. I get to be here. I am privileged to see their faces, hear their voices, know their hearts, hold their bodies, and share with them. My gracious, I have no idea how one person could deserve so much beauty.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
I survived!! :D
So, Anthony's high school had a water main break, and I had to pick him up from school. LOL. That's when I just have to say, "God, you've got this! I have my schedule, but it's not the best one." I dropped Anthony off a few blocks from home so as not to add too much time to my drive to the box, and I got there only 5 minutes late. As I drove up to park, there was a line of people running back to the gym with med balls. SO sad I missed that one. ;) I asked if it was OK if I still took the class since I was late, and they immediately told me it was no big deal.
I saw the white board, and what I thought was the WOD. It was something about bar facing burpees and squat cleans. Ew. However, I was open to being ready for anything. When I circled up to warm up and stretch, I realized that board was someone else's WOD. Ours was a "JT" ascending reps of everything that's hard for me! YEA!!! Handstand push ups, push ups, and ring dips. So, one rep of each, then two of each, and so on. Since my hiatus from HSPUs with my wrist problem, I've not had them come up in too many WODs, thus I haven't returned to my capability from where I left off. :( I did the first 5 rounds with HSPUs and then subbed 25# Dumbbell Presses. Ring Dips were done with a gray band (my first time being able to use a band since we don't have any!!!), and I didn't count the ones that I couldn't lock out. I did a lot of 1/2 ring dips. LOL. Anyway, it ended up being 7 round plus 7 reps. Not bad considering those were all of the muscles that were SUPER sore and tired from "Cindy" on Saturday and "Grace" on Sunday. Whew.
I introduced myself to one other woman, but other than her, no one else talked to me- which is good! It was nice to be in my own world laughing at myself for not locking out and smiling in frustration. Plus, I get it. Back in the day when I did Body Pump or some other class, I'd look at all of those Newbies at the beginning of the year with some discontent that they were clogging up our space and knowing they wouldn't last a month. Granted, I was happy they were beginning their "New Year's Resolution," but I also wanted them to begin it somewhere else. Evil of me....
Anyway, I liked the coaching I got on the lifts before the WOD. I felt strong but like I should've eaten beforehand. There's something about lifting that makes me just shaky and feeling depleted- which is such a great feeling! I love it.
I am actually excited to return. It wasn't as hardcore as I pictured it being. It was almost like being at home in some ways. It'll be interesting to do a partner WOD some day, as I've heard about them but have never done them. All of my preconceived opinions or thoughts were misconceptions. What was over that hill that I couldn't see was not much different that my own backyard. :)
I saw the white board, and what I thought was the WOD. It was something about bar facing burpees and squat cleans. Ew. However, I was open to being ready for anything. When I circled up to warm up and stretch, I realized that board was someone else's WOD. Ours was a "JT" ascending reps of everything that's hard for me! YEA!!! Handstand push ups, push ups, and ring dips. So, one rep of each, then two of each, and so on. Since my hiatus from HSPUs with my wrist problem, I've not had them come up in too many WODs, thus I haven't returned to my capability from where I left off. :( I did the first 5 rounds with HSPUs and then subbed 25# Dumbbell Presses. Ring Dips were done with a gray band (my first time being able to use a band since we don't have any!!!), and I didn't count the ones that I couldn't lock out. I did a lot of 1/2 ring dips. LOL. Anyway, it ended up being 7 round plus 7 reps. Not bad considering those were all of the muscles that were SUPER sore and tired from "Cindy" on Saturday and "Grace" on Sunday. Whew.
I introduced myself to one other woman, but other than her, no one else talked to me- which is good! It was nice to be in my own world laughing at myself for not locking out and smiling in frustration. Plus, I get it. Back in the day when I did Body Pump or some other class, I'd look at all of those Newbies at the beginning of the year with some discontent that they were clogging up our space and knowing they wouldn't last a month. Granted, I was happy they were beginning their "New Year's Resolution," but I also wanted them to begin it somewhere else. Evil of me....
Anyway, I liked the coaching I got on the lifts before the WOD. I felt strong but like I should've eaten beforehand. There's something about lifting that makes me just shaky and feeling depleted- which is such a great feeling! I love it.
I am actually excited to return. It wasn't as hardcore as I pictured it being. It was almost like being at home in some ways. It'll be interesting to do a partner WOD some day, as I've heard about them but have never done them. All of my preconceived opinions or thoughts were misconceptions. What was over that hill that I couldn't see was not much different that my own backyard. :)
What would you do if you knew you could never fail?
This is one of several "motivational" canvases in our Podiatrist's office. ;) Chas always asks me what I'd do. I can't really come up with something at the time. I think that before I can answer that question, I have to define failure. What does failing look like to me? I jumped out of an airplane in college because I had the opportunity to do so. (It was awesome!) I trained for and ran 1/2 marathons and a sprint triathlon years ago just to say I did them. *and to be with friends* So, I'm usually stumped and turn it back to Chas asking him what he'd do instead. I guess I never really felt like fear of failure was holding me back from trying anything important...
...Fast forward to this Christmas break. I opened up my bible study a few days here and there to get back into it and hear from God. We're studying Isaiah, and it's often much of the same. Warning about destruction, rebuke about their hideous behavior, prophesy if nothing changes, etc. There are some awesome nuggets of hope in there and currently Hezekiah is at times a great model for prayer and faith. However, these days I wasn't getting anything that jumped out at me as an application. So, I went deeper into pride. Hezekiah showed the Babylonians all of his storehouses of grain, silver, gold and such. We don't really know why, if it was pride or maybe trying to get them to see what he could offer them for an alliance against the dreaded Assyrians that threatened pretty much everyone in the region. Either way, I was led to think about pride.
Being proud is OK. Having pride in something I achieved is OK. Being "prideful" is not. That's when your pride turns into being haughty, feeling superior to another, or producing disdain for another. I am proud of myself for doing CrossFit since Aug. 16, 2010. I am good about motivating myself to not only do a WOD (workout of the day) but pushing myself in one as well. Because of that and because it's totally convenient to fit into my schedule whenever I want/need, I've done well and have been happy doing it at home. We have a complete gym here that lacks nothing, and I love it! Why pay for it at a box and have to drive somewhere?
Ryan Neading and my husband have both asked me at times why I don't try a box. (CrossFit gym) I immediately feel defensive inside and state reasons as to why. Mostly, they are because of me. "If I went to a gym, I'd not be able to celebrate my accomplishments, PRs, small victories if others were exceeding mine." "I'd have a hard time not comparing myself to those around me." "I do NOT do well with people shouting at me and encouraging me to push harder. It pisses me off inside." "I like knowing what's next... the WOD ahead of time." None of these is a good reason in reality, but what God kind of forced me to look at this past weekend was that it comes down to fear and pride. WHAT? Yep! Fear that I would not meet another's expectation. I am the strongest woman in my house because I'm the only woman in my house. I would not be at a gym. There's the pride part. I also realized that I have a view of what I THINK a box will be like when in reality, I have no idea what it will be like. I really felt like God was pulling me to try it. I'm not sure if it's to learn humility, to stretch my mind, to open my heart, to deal with pride, or to grow in me in another way I'm not aware of yet.
What I do know is I'm trying my first class today in 40 minutes. I have no idea what to expect. I'm shaving my callouses just in case and packing a gear bag with the things I use for various WODs. ;) I'm going to try to be as prepared as possible. I'm going to embrace whatever I'm shown, and I know that through this obedience, I can only be blessed in some way. That way my be what CrossFit repeatedly shoves in my face every week- all of my weaknesses.
I can't remember the last time I made a New Year's Resolution, and this is not one. This is listening to God and being obedient to step out of the boat like Peter. I'm not about to walk on water, but I'm also sure I'm not going to sink. I want to puke. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm a CrossFitter. I will not let this water main break at the high school that just happened make me late and not go because I have to pick up my son from school. LOL! Seriously... this call just happened. ;) Now I really have to go to make sure I make the class!
...Fast forward to this Christmas break. I opened up my bible study a few days here and there to get back into it and hear from God. We're studying Isaiah, and it's often much of the same. Warning about destruction, rebuke about their hideous behavior, prophesy if nothing changes, etc. There are some awesome nuggets of hope in there and currently Hezekiah is at times a great model for prayer and faith. However, these days I wasn't getting anything that jumped out at me as an application. So, I went deeper into pride. Hezekiah showed the Babylonians all of his storehouses of grain, silver, gold and such. We don't really know why, if it was pride or maybe trying to get them to see what he could offer them for an alliance against the dreaded Assyrians that threatened pretty much everyone in the region. Either way, I was led to think about pride.
Being proud is OK. Having pride in something I achieved is OK. Being "prideful" is not. That's when your pride turns into being haughty, feeling superior to another, or producing disdain for another. I am proud of myself for doing CrossFit since Aug. 16, 2010. I am good about motivating myself to not only do a WOD (workout of the day) but pushing myself in one as well. Because of that and because it's totally convenient to fit into my schedule whenever I want/need, I've done well and have been happy doing it at home. We have a complete gym here that lacks nothing, and I love it! Why pay for it at a box and have to drive somewhere?
Ryan Neading and my husband have both asked me at times why I don't try a box. (CrossFit gym) I immediately feel defensive inside and state reasons as to why. Mostly, they are because of me. "If I went to a gym, I'd not be able to celebrate my accomplishments, PRs, small victories if others were exceeding mine." "I'd have a hard time not comparing myself to those around me." "I do NOT do well with people shouting at me and encouraging me to push harder. It pisses me off inside." "I like knowing what's next... the WOD ahead of time." None of these is a good reason in reality, but what God kind of forced me to look at this past weekend was that it comes down to fear and pride. WHAT? Yep! Fear that I would not meet another's expectation. I am the strongest woman in my house because I'm the only woman in my house. I would not be at a gym. There's the pride part. I also realized that I have a view of what I THINK a box will be like when in reality, I have no idea what it will be like. I really felt like God was pulling me to try it. I'm not sure if it's to learn humility, to stretch my mind, to open my heart, to deal with pride, or to grow in me in another way I'm not aware of yet.
What I do know is I'm trying my first class today in 40 minutes. I have no idea what to expect. I'm shaving my callouses just in case and packing a gear bag with the things I use for various WODs. ;) I'm going to try to be as prepared as possible. I'm going to embrace whatever I'm shown, and I know that through this obedience, I can only be blessed in some way. That way my be what CrossFit repeatedly shoves in my face every week- all of my weaknesses.
I can't remember the last time I made a New Year's Resolution, and this is not one. This is listening to God and being obedient to step out of the boat like Peter. I'm not about to walk on water, but I'm also sure I'm not going to sink. I want to puke. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm a CrossFitter. I will not let this water main break at the high school that just happened make me late and not go because I have to pick up my son from school. LOL! Seriously... this call just happened. ;) Now I really have to go to make sure I make the class!
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