Whew!

Hello!!

I have some catching up to do.  First of all, I am SO thankful for all of you who showed up to see us off the night before we moved.  My heart grew as I stored all of your love and friendship, and it made us feel blessed that you would make the time for us.  Russ, Anthony, Chas and the dogs headed out the next morning before dawn to drive out to Utah.  I stuck around for the truck loading.  My sister, Sharmane, flew out that morning, and after waiting on two consecutive flights for her luggage to arrive in SFO, she took a Lyft down to the house to join me and Starks.  Starks spent ALL day with two of his friends, so Sharmane and I got to hang out, organize, clean, etc.  :)  After the truck was loaded, we picked up Starks, took the last of our alcohol down to my baristas at Starbucks, bought some coffees for the trip, and headed out.  I'd never driven the Tesla farther than Tahoe, so I was a little nervous.  However, it worked out well, and I actually enjoyed the extra time charging to sit down and eat, to shop, and to not feel rushed.  That first night, we got to Winnemucca, NV.  It's not much of a town, and after calling 30+ places (no joke) from Tahoe to Winnemucca for a room, we ended up settling for "The reviews say it has clean sheets."  LOL.  We'd had a placed recommended to us for breakfast in Winnemucca from Sue Istock's friend, and it did NOT disappoint!  We were ready for Day 2.

Remember me hitting a deer and securing my bumper with zip ties?  Well, I had more gorilla tape and zip ties with me, but it wasn't until right before Salt Lake City where I had to use anything!  Pete Louie-Badua had given me a sports first aid kit with scissors, so I used those to cut that heavy felt-like fabric that protects your inner parts from your wheel and wheel well.  It'd been rubbed so much from the tire and INSANE wind across the salt flats that it was in shreds.  Quick fix, and we made it home.  :D  Pulling up to our house was a bit surreal.  It was so much bigger than I remembered.  I think I actually remembered it being big, but there's something about the pictures Russ would send that made the place and rooms look so small.  They are not.

I can't remember what we had that night for dinner, but really very little places are open on Sundays here.  We busted on pizza.  We busted on fast food.  Maybe it was Outback?  Man, it felt good to be together.  Russ and the boys had gotten home a day before us, so they were feeling more settled in.  In fact, Chas got lost in the house the first night.  That seems silly now, but it's forgivable that first night.  ;)  Sharmane and I quickly got ourselves settled in as well.  We set up my sister into her room on an air mattress in the penthouse 3rd floor.  LOL.  It was an agreeable place for our family's personal assistant- a title she graciously fulfilled and accepted with love for the next month.  :D

We had that ONE day to get groceries, necessities, etc. before the movers came with our belongings the next day, Tuesday.  We made quick work at Costco and had a blast!  Next was gearing up for chaos.  I posted those two videos of our living room/kitchen before and after the unpacking.  As the movers came in, we pointed them in the right direction to drop off whatever they were carrying, all the while unpacking boxes ourselves to help move in.  Then, it was an unboxing frenzy after everything had been unloaded.  That was fun and overwhelming to have our crap ALL over the place!  One guy was so sweet and asked where to put stuff.  Other's just unpacked and dumped right where they were standing.  Unfortunately, another stole my sister's wedding band from a ZIPPED box in a drawer in her upstairs bathroom.  :(  Awful.  Just awful.  Needless to say, there had to be a police report, claim filed, etc. when she discovered days later.  I cannot believe how well she took control of what she could and let go of what she had no control over.  All the while, not letting it take her joy.  Just another testament of who she is.

People.... we got all of the house organized and together in TWO days (except the office).  I admit currently there are pictures propped up everywhere.  We can't decide, haven't taken the time to decide, and haven't worked on putting them up anywhere but in Chas' and Stark's rooms.  All good.  We'll get there.  Well, it was a busy week. We got filthy dirty.  We had fun.  We worked and were in our element!  When I say, "We," I primarily mean Sharmane and me.  Russ went to work Tuesday.  Starks started at his new gym Tuesday, which is from 12:30-5 Monday-Thursday.  Chas and Anthony put their rooms mostly together, and we helped Chas & Starks with some purging.  It's neat to see the boys go through changes.  Starks, when prompted by me in California, kept saying he wanted to take everything in his room to Utah.  He got here, and he wanted so much it gone.  It's fun to redefine yourself as you move through changes in life.  It's even more interesting to see my kids go through that.  *love*

We did make sure to enjoy ourselves, too.  Russ took us on our first hike from the house.  We walked the neighborhood.  We enjoyed our nights on the deck.  When I say the mountain is RIGHT here, I mean it.  It's RIGHT here!  The mountains comfort me and remind me so much of California that I found myself not as "homesick" as I'd anticipated.  In fact, strangely, I actually feel like we've always lived here.  This place felt like home right away.  Though there were still projects that needed buttoning up and we had various furniture deliveries scheduled, my life looked and felt similar.  The biggest difference was my sister was by my side no matter what I was doing or where I needed to go, holding my hand through it all metaphorically and literally.

OH!  My neighbors.  Tuesday- our move-in day, our neighbors across the street brought us homemade chocolate chip cookies!  There are four children.  The oldest son just returned from his two-year mission in Peru, and the youngest twins are Starks' age.  My family was watching "The Eric Andre Show," so Starks and I were the only ones who met them!  LOL.  We see your two-year mission and raise you a highly inappropriate show.  A couple of days later, we met our neighbors directly across the street.  Mary Kate is awesome.  She's a mother of 8 kids, and she's the sweetest, friendliest woman who hugs so well and makes me laugh.  I miss her, actually.  I haven't talked to her for two weeks now. :(  Boo.  Ridiculously sweet, and her husband is the same.  We have talked a lot in comparison to anyone else outside of our immediate family.  Last week, we met Suzanne, across the street from our empty lot.  She's a grandmother, also an awesome hugger, with a funny, positive and spunky personality.  Fabulous people here.  Another couple, parents of four, at the end of our cul-de-sac came over and toured the house.  They were SUPER sweet, also funny, and the woman reminds me of Pamela Stapleton.  Very positive, friendly, and big smile.  :)  Starks has been called out by the kids at night time to play.  Listen, I actually had to call him home AT 11 PM one night when he was playing with kids mostly younger than himself.  WHAT?  He gave me an earful about coming in before younger kids had to do the same, but I didn't care.

Chas and Anthony haven't really met anyone, but I'm not sure they care right now.  I mean, we had less than two weeks here, went to Florida for 8 days, and have been home from vacation just over a week.  We did have Chas' friend Cole visit the day after our belongings were delivered, and I got to hug and catch up with his grandparents, my friends, Bev and Irv.  After Cole's visit, it's been the three boys spending a lot of time together.  I've seen them become closer and really enjoy each other.  All three of them.  It's made their own relationships with each other stronger, and it's such a gift.  I mean, Starks is old enough now to not be "a pain in the ass younger brother," but he's more "worthy" of his big brother's time.  They get to be mentors now, and they enjoy that role more.  So cool.

Back to life...  We proceeded to run errands.  Got my car estimate done.  Got cars registered, licenses made, and boys permitted to drive.  Filled in gaps along the way.  Took Starks to and from gymnastics every day.  Then, we packed for vacation!  We left June 29th for Tampa for the Laraway Family Reunion.  We spent three days at Aunt Sue's and GG's with family, and we laughed, ate and talked.  The cousins got to play and hang out together.  The adults drank more alcoholic beverages than normal, and GG hung in there with us every night soaking in the company of her family.  Amazing.  My goodness, I love her.  She's 93.  She's just the best.  I'm sure she has aches and pains at her age, but she doesn't talk about them.  Instead, she tells stories, listens, asks questions, and learns/teaches.  What a role model.  It was sad to leave Monday, and we stopped by one more time before heading out on the road to Pensacola.  <3  Russ flew home to Utah Monday, and the rest of us made good time to Pensacola to see my Momma.  Chas loves a good road trip!

We went straight to Li'l Gram's house!  It was so nice to see her place.  Now, when I talk to her on the phone, I can picture where she is.  :)  We spent some time catching up before heading out to her favorite Mexican food place/truck.  It was delicious, and I can see why she raves about it.  Of course, she introduced us to the staff and beamed about her family.  She was so happy.  She'd been planning a party for all of her friends to meet us, and that was the next day.  So, we picked her up in the morning, went with her to pick up trays of food at her work, Publix, and set everything up in a conference room at our hotel.  It was a good, steady trickle of people all afternoon, and I loved hearing all of their stories about how much my Momma meant to them.  Of course, they all started by telling us how much she talked about her kids and grandkids.  :D  Then, they shared what my Momma meant to them.  That was special and comforting to know that the people around her care for her so much.  Her manager even left work on his break to drive to us (not close) for 20" and drive back to work.  He cares that much.  We met some wonderful people, ate some delicious food, laughed and shared.  My Momma threw one hell of a party!  We cleaned up, took our mom home, put away her leftovers and got a good night's sleep for the 4th of July!

Momma drove out to the beach, and we spent the morning/afternoon playing in the water.  Ahhh... Sharmane and I haven't played in that water together in 40 years!  We paid close attention to the jellies around us, got our toes warned by some crabs, floated, laughed and enjoyed every minute until our fingers were too pruned and uncomfortable.  After cleaning up & getting dressed, we took a Lyft to Momma's favorite restaurant downtown, Jaco's, had a wonderful meal before getting a Lyft back.  The boys went to the room, so the three of us found ourselves laughing, drinking and hanging out at the pool bar. :D  We all watched the fireworks from our hotel parking lot, sent Momma home in another Lyft, and ordered some pizza in the room!  The AMAZING lightning show was something I've never seen before, and we were all riveted watching it from the balcony.  Awesome end to a great day!

The next day was my birthday, and Thank You to anyone who wished me a Happy Birthday via text or social media.  I read them all, and they made my day.  I was just too busy to respond.  It rubs my soul the wrong way when I pull out my phone in front of the people around me.  Don't get me wrong, I still do it, but I am rushed and am very conscious about time.  We picked up coffees, then our Mom, and headed back to the beach.  The water was Very different than the day before as it was green due to the millions of pieces of seaweed.  You couldn't see your feet.  However, when your big sister goes in the water without hesitation, you follow!  Needless to say (You may have seen my picture.), those pieces made their way into our suits and formed monsters.  It was still fun until Shar was stung by a jelly, so we retreated to the pool with Starks where we played some more- this time Momma joined us!  We had quick showers and walked to Flounders for lunch.  My ROTC summer in Pensacola in 1995 meant Diesel Fuel at Flounders, but I just couldn't for lunch!  So, we walked a bit and headed back to the hotel.  It's always so hard to say goodbye to the ones you love, and it was awful sending my Momma away with tears in her eyes. :( 

We headed out to the airport the next morning, returned the car, and got through security in 2 minutes!  Pensacola is NOT a large airport, and the only place that served espresso was out.  No bueno!  However, the comfort dogs that began to fill the airport made it all better.  I honestly sat with one Austrailian Shepherd for 30 minutes.  He morphed from standing to leaning to lying down to having me hold his head up and then ultimately flopped against me.  What a great program!  I had so much time to pet the dogs because our flight's arrival was delayed.  That meant our connection in Houston was in jeopardy.  Upon exiting the aircraft in Houston, Chas asked, "If there's only one seat on the next flight, can I have it?"  Since he was the first to ask, he got it!  He left shortly after our arrival on a 2pm flight, and the rest of us left on the following one at 9:50. LOL!!  I posted pictures of Sharmane and I walking every terminal.  I did 140 step ups on the seats at the gate, burpees, sit ups, push ups, and squats.  I did them because my mind needed to do so!  I have to say, Terminal E was beautiful, and we had the most delicious ramen there.  So comforting to have a warm, full belly before a late flight.  Russ picked us up at the airport just after midnight, caught up on our adventures on the drive home, and we all went straight to bed!

Russ had made reservations at what we've heard is the best sushi place around- in SLC- for dinner to celebrate my birthday since he wasn't with us days before.  It.Was.Delicious.  They even made a special roll for us, the Belmont Roll from our favorite restaurant, Sushi Monster in Belmont, CA!  We ordered three, and we just kept ordering more food.  The boys loved it, and though Starks was battling a GI bug, he enjoyed his udon.  ;)  You've got to try Takashi if you're in SLC. 

Sunday was our 20th wedding anniversary, and Russ had the whole morning planned!  After Chas had gotten home earlier than us on Friday, Russ took him on the RZR to scope out a destination.  Well, Russ took Sharmane and me on the RZR for a beautiful ride up and over the mountains to a small town named Midway.  We ordered some breakfast and espresso drinks, sat outside in the sun, and relaxed/chatted.  It was a gorgeous morning.  We walked around the "town" and ended up at a shop where we bought some more goggles and talked a while with the owner who'd just broken his ankle the night before and was handling the pain with morning cocktails until he got to the hospital.  LOL.  Very fun.  We walked some more and headed out for the second part of our adventure.  Once we got back to trails, Sharmane drove for a while with a huge smile on her face- such a daredevil.  Russ navigated "The Rock Garden" for a bit before realizing it was maybe longer than we had gas to complete, and I drove us the rest of way off the mountain and home.  Amazing and so much fun.  We showered, relaxed here, and found ourselves struggling yet again to find a place open on Sunday to eat dinner, and settled on Buffalo Wild Wings.  LOL! 

I'd gotten an email while on vacation about some gymnastics team party in the park, and Monday morning I was reminded about it when I received another email saying it was that night and RSVP was closed!  Well, I signed up anyway and notified Russ that our plans for the evening had changed.  ;)  Sharmane and I did one last run to Costco together, laughing all the while, and geared up for the evening.  If the party was meant to be a bonding experience for the boys' team, it was a bust.  However, I met parents of boys (One boy came from Cal Sports last year and is the same level as Starks!  He, too, had Coach Chris at Cal Sports.), Starks walked the grounds of the park between his two older brothers, and he talked a BIT to teammates.  Starks didn't want to swim when we ventured to the pool part of the party, but I talked with a very friendly mom.  Even though Starks didn't hang out with teammates, it sparked an interest.  The next day, he came home with information about the boys on his team which continued throughout the week. 

Chas and I officially signed up at CrossFit Hyperion while at the morning class on Tuesday, and interestingly, he didn't want to try another gym.  We'd talked in Cali about trying out a few, but after two classes, he wanted to commit.  I'm not sure about the class time I'll settle into, but we've only been to 9:30.  :D  I smile a big smile because those were my people in HomeGrown.  What I do know is that CrossFit Level 1 classes should ALWAYS have Coach Jazmin as an example to future coaches of how to be a great coach.  Man, when you have the best, it's hard to not always expect that.  Jazmin we miss you!!  :)  Anyway, after class, we showered and got ready for our last day with Sharmane.  We took Starks to gym (BTW, he goes 12:30-5 Monday-Thursday and 8-12:30 on Friday.) and went to lunch together- Anthony, Chas and us.  We enjoyed our day together and didn't let that looming cloud cast any shadow on our time.  We are working HARD on convincing her to move here.

I took my sister to the airport, holding hands the entire drive, early Wednesday morning.  I cried on the drive home, but I know it won't be long until I see her again.  I busted out a 100 things when I got home, took my DD214 to the DMV to get my Veteran's stamp on my ID, took Anthony to get a Nintendo switch he wanted, hung out and got coffee together, and came home.  It was nice having our first night with just our family.  It was quieter and a bit lonely without my sister at my side, but I didn't feel guilty about getting involved in anything around the house. 

Thursday, Chas got his learner's permit to drive, and we geared up for our friends, Darcee, Adrienne and Cole, to visit that night.  They arrived after dinner, and we settled them in quickly!  We'd seen Cole a few weeks before, but I haven't seen Darcee since they moved from Cali to Oregon.  Friday, we picked up Starks after gymnastics, came home and headed out to lunch.  It was a nice lunch at Smashburger followed by a quick trip to the grocery store for a few things- including coffee.  :)  Russ ended up coming home a bit later than usual, and we headed out for pizza night.  Again, SO much fun to just chat and hang out together- and laugh, of course.  Russ is just funny.  Saturday Chas, Cole and Adrienne were going to go out on the RZR to some trails with Russ, but they decided to do it Sunday instead.  So, Darcee and I ran errands, made some lunch, and relaxed until the movie that night.  We all saw the new "Jurassic Park" and took a walk around the neighborhood afterward.  Sunday, Russ took the three kids out for the first part of the day on the RZR to some trails.  Darcee and I drove the Alpine Loop with a detour to Cascade Springs and wanted to go shopping- totally forgetting most stores are closed on Sundays. :(  Instead, we ate a delicious lunch before heading home.  We spent another hot afternoon relaxing at home before heading out to dinner and ice cream.  The boys pointed out that it was #NationalIceCreamDay.  We took another twilight hike and walk when we got home and keep staying up way too late!

Who knows what today brings, but we know tomorrow will bring them back home to Oregon.  :(  As of now, the only firm plans are taking and picking up Starks at gym, maybe with a stop along the way at the farm where I buy my eggs. ;)  Rowan, Starks' friend, comes Thursday to stay with us until Tuesday of next week.  This weekend, Chas and I get to see Five Finger Death Punch in concert.  The following weekend, Russ and I get to see Amos Lee in concert in Park City.  I've not been to Park City yet, so that alone will be fun. :)  As you can see, our summer will begin to wind down.  We're up for company if you want to come! 

We met with the engineer last week to start drawing plans to develop the lot next door and combine it to this one. We are SO happy that with this construction, our house will remain clean and unphased. :)  We hope to break ground in a couple of months and have our pool house, pool, veranda/cabana and enormous garage ready by next spring/summer!  Start booking your time soon.  ;)

I wanted to get this written to let you know that we are well.  We are busy.  I am sorry for not responding quickly AT ALL to emails or texts.  I thank you for all of your words of encouragement, wishes, and love.  If you visit, I promise to also drop anything else to maximize time with you as well. :)  I am open for phone calls to catch up starting tomorrow.  ;)  Love to you all!

V

We are really moving.

It's reality.  We are moving to Alpine, UT in June, and we no longer own this home in Belmont, CA.  We are enjoying a free rent back until we move, but a change in ownership was the catalyst to feeling uprooted.  This isn't my home.  It looks the same, it acts the same, and our routines haven't changed, but it doesn't FEEL the same.  When Chas threw his drumstick against his bedroom door after a practice that was just "off," I immediately worried about damage.  We are borrowing this for a few months!  I don't feel as relaxed as I did before.

It has begun.  I am starting to detach, and I have begun to cry at random times.  Food prepping yesterday, I received a text after Starks had spent the day with friends for a birthday that spanned from a Ramen noodle restaurant to playing soccer to ice skating.  I texted the group back giving them a head's up that the same boys would be invited to celebrate Starks' birthday before we moved.  After I hit send, I started thinking of "when."  I thought, "Not June as it's the end of school, Anthony's graduation, we'll be dialing in the move... May?  Yes.  It should be early May so that we can have another birthday party with gym friends maybe the following weekend.  OK.  Well, that's... "  There it was.  A date that was no longer that far away.  1.5 months.  Really?  Am I ready?

California suits me.
The sun and amazing weather make it so easy to spend my days outside.  I can drive 15" and hike in what feels like wilderness with spectacular views.  I can drive 15" farther, not hear civilization, and see the ocean while I hike in towering redwoods.
I feel at peace here, unless I'm driving.  ;)
There is an openness of thought.  (Russ would argue that it isn't open if you lean right, but I don't lean right.  ;)  I'm more of a centrist that might lean left.)  It's this culture that encourages curiosity, adventure, questioning, and acceptance.  I don't feel hemmed in by anyone else's standards or expectations.  There aren't stigmas as great as I've experienced elsewhere.  It feels progressive in thought and action.  I love it.
I love being surrounded by and living on a mountain yet having the ocean a 30" drive away.  It is an escape going to the beach.  I can honestly say that EVERY time I went, I felt privileged and knew the gravity of what it meant to be able to access such nature and beauty in a short drive.
This morning, the sunrise cast long shadows across the deck along with golden hues over everything.
The hummingbirds are back.
The trees are in full bloom. So many varieties of trees, shrubs, and flowers.


I've talked to friends about this, but I really feel like I found out who I was here.  Now, I'll admit there are likely more variables than just being in California.  But, this place gave me the freedom to find myself without constraints.  That, too, could have come from being so far from family.  We got to develop our family just as we wanted.  We had no one to "help" with raising three boys, but we also had no one giving us direction, correction, etc.  We just got to be "us."  Consequently, I got to be "me."  I found amazing women at a time when I needed them most.  Their daily contact, physically or emotionally over the phone, was needed; it grew my soul and heart.  They encouraged me, built me up, and brought me alongside them.  I was instantly stronger, more complete, and saner.  Their mistakes and vulnerabilities were not hidden from me but shared.  Those moments were holy as we were all moms each with three, young kids who knew our faults and failings every day as mothers.  We weren't acting like it was easy, our kids were perfect, and we had it all together.  We struggled beside each other and reminded each other that it was a season- whatever it was.  We helped each other in any way we could.  Those relationships molded my heart and showed me who I wanted and could be.  I wanted to be someone who could help.  I wanted to be a mom who did her best not to judge another.  I wanted to be a good friend.  I wanted to love more.  I wanted to be more present. I wanted to be the best me I could be.

I have always had certain personality traits, but I learned here that not everyone had them.  They made me special.  I had specific gifts to share and use in daily life.  I was given opportunities to use them at the school, church, neighborhoods, or daily life.  I need to feel connected to the world and humans around me.  I don't do fake well.  I get invested.  I care about people.

In California, I discovered that I was strong. I found out that I liked working out.  I enjoyed training for various events with my friends and getting out of my comfort zone. I discovered CrossFit in 2010.  I found my CrossFit family in January 2015.  I encouraged anyone that asked me to try CrossFit, but I'd never been inside a box.  I knew pride was a major factor, so I challenged myself to try it for a month.  I couldn't know what I was asking other to do unless I knew for myself.  I.Loved.It.  I can crush a workout and drive myself to work hard by myself.  The nature of CrossFit made it easy to not want to stop it, so I was a garage athlete for 4.5 years.  However, walking into HomeGrown was the beginning of a deeper love.  I found my people.  It will be hard to not see them.  There are so many faces that instantly make me happy when I see them walk in.  We see each other sweaty, making crazy faces, struggling, fighting, enduring, and celebrating.  It feels like taking that step again, walking into the unknown of another community, won't be any easier than my first time was. 

Overall, life here is comfortable.  I am free to be myself.  I feel there are no expectations for me to be anyone else here in my happy world.  I'm hoping my community in Utah doesn't exclude me for not being Mormon, for not being native, for hating Trump...  Interesting how the Bible Belt might be the most religious area of the US, but I see more "God" out here.  I see people worried about the outliers.  I see a love of people no matter their labels, skin color, or religion.  Humans like to read and see things that reinforce their beliefs, therefore, I like it here.  :) I don't care if you are ____.

So, I've written and cried through my first post about moving.  I'm at the beginning of letting go, and it already sucks.  Mostly, it hurts when I think about leaving friends.  I genuinely care about so many people here.  I love a lot of people here.  I don't want to go from full to empty overnight.  THANK GOD, I'll have my sister with me for a month as we leave here and settle in Utah!  My Goodness, she's my favorite.  Be ready, Shar.  I'm going to be a mess.  And, Hallelujah!  Anthony is taking a gap year and won't leave for college for another year!

Don't get me wrong.  This will be the 18th place I've lived.  I do moving and change fairly well.  I will find friends. I will find a gym. I will enjoy our new home.  I will have my boys.  I get to see Melinda, my roommate and best friend in college.  Utah will bring other "new things."  I will live in 4 seasons again.  I'm open to the possibility of it being even better than California.  Who knows?  I'm just currently mourning, yet hopeful.  I don't want to stuff whatever it is I'm feeling.  I'd rather process and move through it.  It'll be awesome on the other side when I start getting super excited about this next adventure. :)  So, bear with me.  Give me a hug if you see me.

International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day

I tell myself (and others when relevant) not to make decisions for tomorrow based on how I feel today.  However, last night I looked at today's workout and thought of 10 lame reasons why I "should" not do it.  Thankfully, I woke up, saw that no excuses from the previous night were actually valid, and realized I needed to commit to doing a long, hard workout.  I mean, I'd be doing it with friends, and life is SO good with friends- especially in the tough parts.

The clothes I'd laid out the night before weren't my designated "workout" clothes, yet all of my clothes are workout clothes.  I got dressed and showed up at the gym ready to go.  Then, it started getting warm.  My long sleeved shirt was not comfortable, but all I had one under it was a sports bra.  Now, I say that I am proud of my stretch marked belly because I was lucky enough to carry not just one but THREE babies, and I am!  I actually call them my "love marks" because they came from my loves.  However, I have never taken off my shirt at the gym and subjected anyone else to my marks, my jiggly skin, my boobs in a bra... Today, I was hot enough to do just that, after some reassurance from a friend that no one cared- as I stood panting.  I was MUCH more comfortable, and I did my running, rowing, assault biking and jump roping without overheating.

Then, I came home to shower before errands, and Pink's "Great Escape" came on my playlist when I got out of the shower.  I, of course, have to belt out the song.  I mean, it's Pink!  So, I find myself shouting a song, naked in my room, and on the verge of tears.  No one is around, so I'm totally comfortable being myself.  I wonder "Why can't I feel that way when people ARE around?"  If Russ were to walk in on me in that scenario, I'd sit up straight so my belly skin didn't sag and create rolls or I'd just stand up.  I'd pull my shoulders back so my breasts wouldn't look so droopy.  I have almost been married to this man for 20 years, so he's seen me naked a few times.  Yet, I still would not feel as comfortable with him there as I would with him gone.  (This is from me; he has never made a negative comment about my body.)

At what point in life do I finally not give a shit?  At what point am I finally going to be comfortable with me no matter what or where?  I feel like I'm getting pretty close regarding the character of me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm not quite there with the body of me.  I remember going to Cape May in NJ several years ago and watching women of all body types run, swim, and hang out in bikinis, and it inspired me to get a bikini.  If they didn't care, why should I?  Plus, love marks look better with a tan.

Anyway, it's International Women's Day, and it seems so damn petty that my quandary is over my having exposed some skin in front of teammates.  I follow Humans of NY, and he's currently highlighting Myanmar, Muslim refugees.  Women are telling stories of their villages being attacked, having no time to run back to their houses, and knowing their children are burning.  It's heartwrenching.  All over the world, women and young girls are being trafficked.  They are still without rights and equality.  They are denied an education.  They are considered less than.  They are considered property.  They are hated and loved simultaneously.  They don't have voices that matter.  I sit here crying as I write these atrocities down.  I want to shake the world and wake it the f up.

This absurdity has been going on for far too long in our world.  It's an incredibly, irritating song on repeat.  Change needs to happen.  I celebrate marginalized people of the world who are finding their voices and pushing forward to be heard.  I stand with them all, just like the Whos on the floating dust stood together to help raise their voices enough to be heard by Horton's friends.

I know I usually post on this day about wonderful women in my life, and I have the privilege of loving and knowing so many marvelous women.  I want to know more.  Today, I instead encourage us to be upstanders and not bystanders.  Pay attention to those around who may need help lifting their voices or finding their strength.  Raise our own voices against bigotry, inequality, and hate when we see and hear it.  Spread love and support without expectation.  Be our best selves.  Remember, our being lifted up doesn't come from putting others down, and DON'T JUDGE.

Now that I'm at the end, I think I've figured out "when" I'll feel comfortable naked or exposed.  It's when I stop worrying about being judged.  If I'm comfortable when all by myself, then I want to feel the same in any other situation- Las Vegas pool, CrossFit, beach, etc.  That's IT!  Finally, at 44, I have recognized the "why" and can start the process of making it a non-issue.  Look at the gift I received today just by blogging my thoughts.  :)  I'm always learning.  Happy International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day!