On Friday night, as I was trying to pick out clothes for the next day, everyone was in our room on our bed. I'd been gone from 4 to almost 8pm setting up our hospitality room for a girls' gymnastics meet. The boys got home later than me and wanted tell me about their night at their old school in San Jose. They'd been to the "Fall Festival" to see old friends. (It worked out for everyone, but Chas, as no friends of his were there.) Anyway, I pulled out my favorite leggings and asked, "Are these too bold, you think?" To which Anthony quickly replied, "Mom. Since when have you been worried about being too bold?" Oh.My.Goodness. Best compliment ever!!
His comment made me happy in many ways, and I've been thinking about it since. The magazines at the store will show "Cougars" and these famous women who look surprisingly still attractive in their 40's and 50's like it's a big deal. (Seriously, I feel confused as to why people care about this and BUY these magazines.) But, I have to say that in my 40's, I feel more "me" than I've felt for the first part of my life. I am comfortable in my skin enough to say, "Screw jeans! I'm living in Leggings!" I've got no one to impress by means of what of I wear. I feel stronger and more fit than I've ever felt. I feel more balanced. I am more forgiving of myself. I live this wonderful life and have fun with what comes along. I'm not trying to be anyone but me, but I'm just trying to be a better me each day. I'm OK that who I am changes in some ways and won't bend in others. And, I feel bolder than ever!
My son picked up on that. I'm bold... Those words sounded so awesome coming from him. I don't often get compliments for who I am. Sometimes I get them for what I do, and those make me feel good inside, too. But, hearing that he loves me for who I AM hit me to the core. It made it seem like I'd done something right. If I were to die tonight, I love the picture he has of me in his head. I just hope for more time to add some more bright colors, scenery, and details to that picture through many more years. :)
So, today when I was getting ready for my Women's Bible Study, I thought that maybe I should dress up a bit more. However, I quickly decided that I would wear my usual leggings- albeit capris. Why? Because I feel good in them. They feel like "me." I am comfortable, can move easily, and just feel awesome. Thinking back to high school, I remember loving those pants even then! How awesome that styles come back around. ;) I can even picture myself in my 70's wearing leggings as pants. LOL... I'll be THAT crazy, old lady! And, it's all good. I am BOLD, per my freshman in high school, and his noticing that makes me feel even more so! Watch out World!
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
Everything Hurts
(big breath) Everything hurts today.... not physically, Thank God, but my heart. My heart is burdened for people I love and care about, and it seems as though the things I read, hear and think about just send me to tears this morning.
A friend, Randi, has been told that although her mom has battled and come back from many medical setbacks, this one may be the last. Her mom is in liver and kidney failure, and I can't imagine how Randi is awake, coherent and able to eat and function. She's not sleeping, but that's all she's really dropping the ball on.
I visited her yesterday at the hospital, and looking at her mom lying in bed made me remember my Daddy, but mostly my step-mom, Cindy. Cindy died of liver and kidney failure. It was difficult to see, but it was much harder to see Randi's face... what was going on behind that face. I had three parents die within 6 months, and it's hard. However, Randi has been a caregiver for her mom for so long, and her autistic son, that she's not only losing her mom and friend, but her role. That's a lot of change. She's also trying to focus on her family but is reminded of medical bills and obligations financially often. The fear she says can be overwhelming at times when she thinks of the possibility of losing her house, but she's not losing faith and is trying to trust God instead. How much faith does THAT take? Real world possibilities, but trusting a God not of this world to take care of them. I can't wait for her to someday retell her testimony about this time with praise and humility.
**** Seriously, Mandisa's "God Speaking" came on as I'm writing this? I am setting myself up for nonstop tears today, huh? I really had no other choice than to play my V-Love playlist (yep, like K Love, but my faves) this morning, though. I'd love to play something else and push my feelings out of focus, but that's not healthy. *****
I set up a Fundly website for my friend if you feel lead to give any amount of money from $5.00 to something else. You can access it here. I know you may not know her and therefore not feel any connection to her, but she has consistently put herself, her wants, and her needs aside for the sake of her family. Selfless... that's Randi. Gave up her job as a CSI.. put all of herself into making sure he son had all the help he needed in school.. plans her life around meeting everyone else's needs. She's one of a kind.
A friend, Randi, has been told that although her mom has battled and come back from many medical setbacks, this one may be the last. Her mom is in liver and kidney failure, and I can't imagine how Randi is awake, coherent and able to eat and function. She's not sleeping, but that's all she's really dropping the ball on.
I visited her yesterday at the hospital, and looking at her mom lying in bed made me remember my Daddy, but mostly my step-mom, Cindy. Cindy died of liver and kidney failure. It was difficult to see, but it was much harder to see Randi's face... what was going on behind that face. I had three parents die within 6 months, and it's hard. However, Randi has been a caregiver for her mom for so long, and her autistic son, that she's not only losing her mom and friend, but her role. That's a lot of change. She's also trying to focus on her family but is reminded of medical bills and obligations financially often. The fear she says can be overwhelming at times when she thinks of the possibility of losing her house, but she's not losing faith and is trying to trust God instead. How much faith does THAT take? Real world possibilities, but trusting a God not of this world to take care of them. I can't wait for her to someday retell her testimony about this time with praise and humility.
**** Seriously, Mandisa's "God Speaking" came on as I'm writing this? I am setting myself up for nonstop tears today, huh? I really had no other choice than to play my V-Love playlist (yep, like K Love, but my faves) this morning, though. I'd love to play something else and push my feelings out of focus, but that's not healthy. *****
I set up a Fundly website for my friend if you feel lead to give any amount of money from $5.00 to something else. You can access it here. I know you may not know her and therefore not feel any connection to her, but she has consistently put herself, her wants, and her needs aside for the sake of her family. Selfless... that's Randi. Gave up her job as a CSI.. put all of herself into making sure he son had all the help he needed in school.. plans her life around meeting everyone else's needs. She's one of a kind.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Yes, I'll take that knife
I love my life. I really do, and I understand that it's a true blessing. I tend to say that word often, but that's how I see so many things and situations in my life and others'. It's a blessing that I drive around town for what seems like 50,000 trips to different places- because I CAN! I have a truck (my Pilot that I LOVE and hope to drive until it just gives up on me) that gets me everywhere safely. I am home, not working out of the house, and can run errands a ridiculous amount of times a day if needed. How awesome that I don't have to plan errands on the weekends or after work. LOL! ...after work... After work means I'm in bed! :) I've got great things filling my schedule each day, and I can't imagine how things would get done if I was working out of the house, too.
Anyway, I'm loving my schedule being filled with such beautiful events- even on weekends. Yesterday, our town had a "Save the Music Festival" to raise money to help keep music in our schools. It's a big deal, and it's held in the park and parking area around our city hall building. There are bounce houses, game booths, vendors, food trucks, food tents, etc. as well as three stages for music. There are drum corps, local bands playing, the faculty band plays, choirs sing from our schools, and instrumental bands from our schools play. Of course, as Chas becomes more and more (almost exponentially) social, it was all about being with friends. However, he sang with his Chamber Choir and again in combination with the Carlmont High School choirs. Before and after it was time to sing, he was playing with friends. About 10" prior to starting while he was warming up with his choir, I was walking back from a trip to a FedEx box with Starks. I'd gotten sidetracked when I saw a couple with their three boys that Starks and I knew.
Let me set this up for you. I had 10" to get to the meadow, settle in, and listen to Chas. I really like this couple and wanted to catch up with them as they'd left our school for a year. Starks had run off to a tree to climb with their boys not 20' away. Chas' friends had started to appear from behind a building and were walking toward me. The parents and I had been talking about our heat wave (it was over 90 yesterday- BOO), baseball, school drop offs, etc. when one of Chas' friends walks over to me like he's about to sell me drugs. He looked very nervous and was talking quietly. He asks me to take Chas' pocket knife that Chas has asked him to hold for him while he was singing. I take it, and it wasn't his pocket knife. It was a dagger. It was one of his long knives with a sheath. I take it, and put it in my TINY purse I carry that only covered the blade part- not the long handle. The boy walks away as I tell him and another friend that Chas starts in 10" and to meet me at the pavilion. I look back to MY friends who are stunned by the size of a knife just handed to me. I tell them that my boys love knives, and Chas in particular always carries one. "He takes one to school?" "NO! He carries them after school if we go anywhere and on the weekends." "That's a pocket knife?" "Well, not exactly, but he loves to have a knife to whittle with and just have in his pocket, especially at the park." I felt like I had to give back story on how my Daddy loved knives, collected them, and would show his collection to them. My Daddy gave them their first pocket knives, and since we camp, too, they love having them and playing with them. "They throw them?" I think he was being funny, but I told him that yes, Chas throws knives and has destroyed several from hitting stones or hard wood instead of dirt. It didn't elicit laughter like it did in my head when I said it!
As Chas' friends made their way from me, one says, "See you later, Babe." LOL. This is almost a train wreck now. The woman I'm talking to is a teacher, and the husband is just staring at me at this point. "Did he just call you 'Babe?'" "Yes, he did. See, I pass out lunch at the school every week, and I call everyone babe. I didn't even realize that I did it, but I do. So, they now joke with me and call me babe. I take these boys home often, and at times am driving 6 boys in addition to my own." The scene changes as I now have 5" until show time, I feel like there are loose ends, but I need to round up Starks and head over. "I hope to see you over there!" as I walk away. I was laughing so hard as I walked, and I'm still cracking up writing this. I was trying to see it from their perspective, and so I wasn't surprised when they did not show up to listen to the Chamber Choir sing and risk seeing me again. LOL. SO funny to me. You know, the boy who said, "See you later, Babe" will say, "I love you" most of the time when he walks away. Thank GOD that didn't come out and add MORE confusion!
The relationship with this one boy reminds me of my relationship with Jac and her mom. I told Jackie that I loved her for the first time one day I think in Jr. High when I was about to hang up with her on the phone. It came out because I was so used to saying it to my mom on the phone, but I realized that I really did love her. So, from that point on, since I'd opened the gate already, I told her I loved her when we parted or hung up from each other on the phone. I would tell her mom that, too. This boy told Chas he loved him when he left our truck a few weeks ago and has said it more since. He tells me "Love you Second Mim" (my boys call me mim) or just "Love you" when he leaves me. SO sweet... but so odd from our outsider's perspective, I'm sure.
Chas looked good on stage. Of course, singing outside and with a choir, I couldn't pinpoint his voice, but he looks like he loves the stage when he's up there. He's confident and comfortable. :) He hung out longer with friends at the park and brought a couple of them home with him after the festival. He has already asked if he could be with friends more this week. I'm trying to help him regulate that time so that it doesn't interfere with drums and school work. (Anthony wasn't this way and still isn't, so it's new territory.) There's always some new water to negotiate as they grow up, huh? Each boy is different, and parenting methods don't necessarily scale in some ways. I like that it keeps me on my toes. It's like a smoothly running ship that looks like a Charlie Foxtrot in the engine room.
Anyway, I'm loving my schedule being filled with such beautiful events- even on weekends. Yesterday, our town had a "Save the Music Festival" to raise money to help keep music in our schools. It's a big deal, and it's held in the park and parking area around our city hall building. There are bounce houses, game booths, vendors, food trucks, food tents, etc. as well as three stages for music. There are drum corps, local bands playing, the faculty band plays, choirs sing from our schools, and instrumental bands from our schools play. Of course, as Chas becomes more and more (almost exponentially) social, it was all about being with friends. However, he sang with his Chamber Choir and again in combination with the Carlmont High School choirs. Before and after it was time to sing, he was playing with friends. About 10" prior to starting while he was warming up with his choir, I was walking back from a trip to a FedEx box with Starks. I'd gotten sidetracked when I saw a couple with their three boys that Starks and I knew.
Let me set this up for you. I had 10" to get to the meadow, settle in, and listen to Chas. I really like this couple and wanted to catch up with them as they'd left our school for a year. Starks had run off to a tree to climb with their boys not 20' away. Chas' friends had started to appear from behind a building and were walking toward me. The parents and I had been talking about our heat wave (it was over 90 yesterday- BOO), baseball, school drop offs, etc. when one of Chas' friends walks over to me like he's about to sell me drugs. He looked very nervous and was talking quietly. He asks me to take Chas' pocket knife that Chas has asked him to hold for him while he was singing. I take it, and it wasn't his pocket knife. It was a dagger. It was one of his long knives with a sheath. I take it, and put it in my TINY purse I carry that only covered the blade part- not the long handle. The boy walks away as I tell him and another friend that Chas starts in 10" and to meet me at the pavilion. I look back to MY friends who are stunned by the size of a knife just handed to me. I tell them that my boys love knives, and Chas in particular always carries one. "He takes one to school?" "NO! He carries them after school if we go anywhere and on the weekends." "That's a pocket knife?" "Well, not exactly, but he loves to have a knife to whittle with and just have in his pocket, especially at the park." I felt like I had to give back story on how my Daddy loved knives, collected them, and would show his collection to them. My Daddy gave them their first pocket knives, and since we camp, too, they love having them and playing with them. "They throw them?" I think he was being funny, but I told him that yes, Chas throws knives and has destroyed several from hitting stones or hard wood instead of dirt. It didn't elicit laughter like it did in my head when I said it!
As Chas' friends made their way from me, one says, "See you later, Babe." LOL. This is almost a train wreck now. The woman I'm talking to is a teacher, and the husband is just staring at me at this point. "Did he just call you 'Babe?'" "Yes, he did. See, I pass out lunch at the school every week, and I call everyone babe. I didn't even realize that I did it, but I do. So, they now joke with me and call me babe. I take these boys home often, and at times am driving 6 boys in addition to my own." The scene changes as I now have 5" until show time, I feel like there are loose ends, but I need to round up Starks and head over. "I hope to see you over there!" as I walk away. I was laughing so hard as I walked, and I'm still cracking up writing this. I was trying to see it from their perspective, and so I wasn't surprised when they did not show up to listen to the Chamber Choir sing and risk seeing me again. LOL. SO funny to me. You know, the boy who said, "See you later, Babe" will say, "I love you" most of the time when he walks away. Thank GOD that didn't come out and add MORE confusion!
The relationship with this one boy reminds me of my relationship with Jac and her mom. I told Jackie that I loved her for the first time one day I think in Jr. High when I was about to hang up with her on the phone. It came out because I was so used to saying it to my mom on the phone, but I realized that I really did love her. So, from that point on, since I'd opened the gate already, I told her I loved her when we parted or hung up from each other on the phone. I would tell her mom that, too. This boy told Chas he loved him when he left our truck a few weeks ago and has said it more since. He tells me "Love you Second Mim" (my boys call me mim) or just "Love you" when he leaves me. SO sweet... but so odd from our outsider's perspective, I'm sure.
Chas looked good on stage. Of course, singing outside and with a choir, I couldn't pinpoint his voice, but he looks like he loves the stage when he's up there. He's confident and comfortable. :) He hung out longer with friends at the park and brought a couple of them home with him after the festival. He has already asked if he could be with friends more this week. I'm trying to help him regulate that time so that it doesn't interfere with drums and school work. (Anthony wasn't this way and still isn't, so it's new territory.) There's always some new water to negotiate as they grow up, huh? Each boy is different, and parenting methods don't necessarily scale in some ways. I like that it keeps me on my toes. It's like a smoothly running ship that looks like a Charlie Foxtrot in the engine room.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)