What.Is.Happening?

Raw.  That’s me today. I feel like my heart is mourning, aching, fractured, and burdened.  I am burdened for my friend who posted she’s struggling this week.  I am burdened for another having to deal with a hurting child.  I am reading “Stamped from the beginning,” and it has me angry and frustrated by the untruth published for political and monetary gain in the 1400’s and 1500’s that led to slaves being justified and even presented to nations as having a life that’s better than what they had in Africa.  “They even lacked bread and wine.”  OMG.  I am so sad for the young man today who was shot in OKC for having a pipe in his hand when approached on his porch by police.  He didn’t put it down, backup was called, and while one officer tasered him, the other fatally shot him.  They were there to question his father who was involved in a hit and run accident.  The son was DEAF.  He did not know what they wanted.  He is dead.  My God, it makes me cry, and I haven’t been able to keep my tears at bay.  They pour.  They stop.  They creep up threatening to take over.  Sometimes I let them- whether for a half a minute or 20.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  

I cannot change beliefs.  I cannot change hundreds of years of racism.  I cannot make people stop calling each other names.  “Snowflake.”  “Liberal.”  “Trump Supporter.”  Placing a label on someone just puts them in a box.  Need to reference a ______,  then open the box and see _____ in there.  When done, close it and put away until later.  One person could potentially be 100 different boxes or more, but a person has decided to put them in ONE box.  I see people labeling others simply to dismiss them.  When the label is not one you own, I’m assuming it’s easier to dismiss those to which it applies.  I feel like what I read on social media is so 2 dimensional.  People cannot see others as multifaceted, complex beings.  It’s “You’re a _____” and BAM!  Door shut; don’t have to hear from you.  People are NOT listening.  People are not asking questions.  Are they afraid of change?  Whether it be themselves or their environment/world?  

I am not the same person I was when I was 18.  I am also not the same person I was a year ago.  I’m sure I could come up with ways I’ve changed in the past two months.  Change is good, right?  The more people I talk with and interact with in my life, the more I see other perspectives which can change my own.  The change doesn’t have to be drastic, but it’s there.  If not for my own beliefs or practices, new information and perspectives may change my reaction to them.

I cannot stand who I am when I’m driving.  I get frustrated with drivers being selfish.  They block traffic at a stop light because they wanted to get through their green light, but they got stuck in the middle of the intersection.  I can feel hate start to boil in my stomach.  I call them names both in my head and aloud.  I start to label them and see them as just someone who is selfish.  I don’t see anything else.  Knowing that this is not who I want to be, I get frustrated with myself, and then, I’m just a big, boiling ball of anger.  Ew.  That feeling does not dissipate quickly.  It takes A LOT of effort to make it go away compared to the 10 seconds it took to create that churning volcano of hate.  So, I get it.  I get how feeling defensive can cause someone to start name calling.  However, I want people and myself to at least TRY to not do it.  We are greater than our 7-year-old selves, and we don’t have to call people names and metaphorically run away.  

In Christianity, children are often taught the 10 commandments.  As people get older and are taught about Jesus’ teachings, they learn that he boiled 10 down to 2.  #1. Love God.  #2. Love others.  When we lie, we are not loving someone enough to give them the truth.  When we talk about others, we are not loving them.  It all boils down to LOVE.  So, name calling is not loving.  Love is pure and honest and without strings attached.  There are not degrees to which we are to love.  Just love.  All equally.  Not based on their political preferences.  Not based on skin color or sexual orientation.  Those unlike ourselves don’t get less love than those in our tribe.  I don’t think God’s really happy with us “kind of” loving someone, and wouldn’t be great if we weren’t either?  

So, I look at what’s happening in the world, and I’m overwhelmed by the hate.  Overwhelmed by “My way is right.”  Overwhelmed by “That doesn’t affect me, so it’s not important/necessary/worthy for attention.”  Confused that people are so upset by how anyone reacts to the “Star Spangled Banner” instead of why police are shooting instead of tasing or talking.  You know, I saw my friend at Costco last week.  Her husband died of cancer on my birthday this year.  (He was awesome.)  She said, “One thing cancer teaches you is that a lot of the little stuff doesn’t matter.”  It’s a comfortable place to be in mentally, I can imagine, looking at a bad grade from a child or a minor problem in your day, and seeing those things in a way that doesn’t magnify them but shrinks them.  How lovely life would be if we could do that more with each other.  Like, see the plank in your eye vs. the speck in another’s.  What if we didn’t blow ourselves up to be all knowing and all important but took a more humble approach?  Could that be the best way to change?  

I am sad.  I want the world to be better, but I feel like the chasm is growing deeper, separating more.  So, I cry.

The Gifting Year

My husband turned 45 last Tuesday, and I had no idea what to get him.  Most years I'm inspired and know right away a list of things, but this year had me stumped!  He's a man who thoroughly researches whatever he wants to buy, so if I get him anything technology related, I likely will not have researched and/or chosen the right thing.  I also do not like buying gifts for the sake of having a gift for someone.  I feel like it has to be thoughtful- if not to them, at least to me!  LOL.

SO, I booked an hour and a half massage with my masseuse who makes me laugh from pain!  She is truly gifted at finding what needs help on a body.  I thought I'd drive him down, have him get a massage, drive him home, and go eat at our favorite sushi place for lunch.  I was making his favorite dinner and had put together a dessert he sent a video of to me months earlier.  I honestly did not have another gift for him.  So on Sunday night when he told me that he HAD to be in the city to record for his podcast on his birthday at the exact time his massage was scheduled, I was screwed!  

The next two days (yes, on his birthday I was still searching) had me thinking and trying to come up with something, but I still had only a small gift on its way early April to save me.  As it stands, that no longer means anything and will likely be given to Starks.  Thankfully, he fell asleep on the couch before we got to cards, cakes, and no gift.  The next day when we finally and properly celebrated, he was disappointed to have nothing to open.  However, in my card, I explained that I would gift him 45 gifts over this next year to celebrate his turning 45.  Being Russ, he immediately read it and said aloud, "That's a gift every 8 days.  Good luck."  CRUSH!!  Jeez.  

It's going to go like this.  I can give him an experience, a gift, or do something for him.  The gifts are on MY terms.  No hinting or asking me to buy him something as one of his gifts.  They are from ME.  Yesterday, I gave him gift #1.  I bought him a Groove ring.  They are silicone rings you don't have to take off to lift/CrossFit.  Geek vibe strong, but they are awesome.  The QALO rings make his finger itchy, red, etc.  This Groove Ring brand has an air channel to allow the skin underneath to breathe.  I wore mine for over a week to make sure it stood up to its promise, and then I ordered him one.  :)

Gift #2 came today.  After he left for work, I had our electrician scheduled to come over and install three ceiling fans I bought last June!  I haven't been able to get anyone install them for me, and I can't do it myself as the ceiling is 13 feet high.  SO, after a few hours, they were up and looking fabulous!  I wasn't home when he had a quick turnaround from work to the baseball field, but Starks said, "Didbow told me to tell you that he LOVES them!"  :)  Score #2.

I have a few other gift ideas en route or on my upcoming schedule.  What I thought was a disappointment in not having a gift for him actually inspired me to have the BEST gift!  I am loving this idea.  I like that I'm thinking more and more about what I can do for him.  I like being even more focused on what he says and notices.  I like looking forward to giving to him!  I'm not sure it'll take me a year to get 45 gifts given, but we'll see.  I am having fun scheming and thinking, and I'll let you know how the rest go!

International Women's Day

Happy International Women's Day!

I've had so many wonderful women in my life.  From them, I have learned lessons on what to do and what not to do.  I've been inspired, encouraged, loved, supported, lifted up, and challenged.  Even the women who brought pain, anger, or conflict taught me something.  I won't grow if I'm not challenged, and never having women around me with different perspectives, lives, beliefs, ambitions or talents makes life boring and me a bit stagnant.

I've also reaped the benefits of women I've never known and who came many years ago.  Though I never met the great women before me who fought for me, stood up for my rights, and made me mean more than my gender, I feel connected to them.  I feel a ribbon of strength inside of me that reminds me that I matter.  It empowers me to right wrongs.  It makes me fraught with anger from the injustice and inequality toward women today still.  I want what they did to matter and be built upon- through me and all of us!

Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."  I've given my share of middle fingers (or my equivalent, blowing kisses) to drivers.  I've flashed a disapproving "mom glare" to others.  I can be hungry for adult conversation and monopolize it.  I'm not always my best self, but I try.  I want to knit inside my fellow women the beginning of a ribbon that connects us.  I appreciate so much the women in my life, and I want you all to know.

I've also had men who have helped make me strong.  My daddy thought I should know how to use tools and do as much for myself as I could.  He built us things to climb on, vines to swing on, and encouraged us to explore and get dirty.  I have a husband who never defines my worth by what I do or can't do.  He sees me as his equal.  He doesn't try to mute who I am, but he just lets me be me.  He will point out that I may need to examine my motives, my stance, or why I'm so convicted just like I would want my girlfriends to do!  I need supportive men around me, too.  I had the best compliment from my oldest son over a year ago.  When I asked if a pair of leggings I was wearing to "Back to School" night were too bold, he replied, "When have you ever worried about being too bold?"  YES!  Yes, son!  Encourage women to be bold.  Don't be threatened by them but love and support them.

I know there is a day for anything it seems, but I like this one!  There is no need to be intimidated by an empowered, strong woman.  We can incubate life, nurture it, care for it, and help it thrive.  We can also fight, change, inspire, lead, teach and generally rock.  We can do that marvelously together.   Go out confidently and use your talents to shine on, ladies!