It's reality. We are moving to Alpine, UT in June, and we no longer own this home in Belmont, CA. We are enjoying a free rent back until we move, but a change in ownership was the catalyst to feeling uprooted. This isn't my home. It looks the same, it acts the same, and our routines haven't changed, but it doesn't FEEL the same. When Chas threw his drumstick against his bedroom door after a practice that was just "off," I immediately worried about damage. We are borrowing this for a few months! I don't feel as relaxed as I did before.
It has begun. I am starting to detach, and I have begun to cry at random times. Food prepping yesterday, I received a text after Starks had spent the day with friends for a birthday that spanned from a Ramen noodle restaurant to playing soccer to ice skating. I texted the group back giving them a head's up that the same boys would be invited to celebrate Starks' birthday before we moved. After I hit send, I started thinking of "when." I thought, "Not June as it's the end of school, Anthony's graduation, we'll be dialing in the move... May? Yes. It should be early May so that we can have another birthday party with gym friends maybe the following weekend. OK. Well, that's... " There it was. A date that was no longer that far away. 1.5 months. Really? Am I ready?
California suits me.
The sun and amazing weather make it so easy to spend my days outside. I can drive 15" and hike in what feels like wilderness with spectacular views. I can drive 15" farther, not hear civilization, and see the ocean while I hike in towering redwoods.
I feel at peace here, unless I'm driving. ;)
There is an openness of thought. (Russ would argue that it isn't open if you lean right, but I don't lean right. ;) I'm more of a centrist that might lean left.) It's this culture that encourages curiosity, adventure, questioning, and acceptance. I don't feel hemmed in by anyone else's standards or expectations. There aren't stigmas as great as I've experienced elsewhere. It feels progressive in thought and action. I love it.
I love being surrounded by and living on a mountain yet having the ocean a 30" drive away. It is an escape going to the beach. I can honestly say that EVERY time I went, I felt privileged and knew the gravity of what it meant to be able to access such nature and beauty in a short drive.
This morning, the sunrise cast long shadows across the deck along with golden hues over everything.
The hummingbirds are back.
The trees are in full bloom. So many varieties of trees, shrubs, and flowers.
I've talked to friends about this, but I really feel like I found out who I was here. Now, I'll admit there are likely more variables than just being in California. But, this place gave me the freedom to find myself without constraints. That, too, could have come from being so far from family. We got to develop our family just as we wanted. We had no one to "help" with raising three boys, but we also had no one giving us direction, correction, etc. We just got to be "us." Consequently, I got to be "me." I found amazing women at a time when I needed them most. Their daily contact, physically or emotionally over the phone, was needed; it grew my soul and heart. They encouraged me, built me up, and brought me alongside them. I was instantly stronger, more complete, and saner. Their mistakes and vulnerabilities were not hidden from me but shared. Those moments were holy as we were all moms each with three, young kids who knew our faults and failings every day as mothers. We weren't acting like it was easy, our kids were perfect, and we had it all together. We struggled beside each other and reminded each other that it was a season- whatever it was. We helped each other in any way we could. Those relationships molded my heart and showed me who I wanted and could be. I wanted to be someone who could help. I wanted to be a mom who did her best not to judge another. I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to love more. I wanted to be more present. I wanted to be the best me I could be.
I have always had certain personality traits, but I learned here that not everyone had them. They made me special. I had specific gifts to share and use in daily life. I was given opportunities to use them at the school, church, neighborhoods, or daily life. I need to feel connected to the world and humans around me. I don't do fake well. I get invested. I care about people.
In California, I discovered that I was strong. I found out that I liked working out. I enjoyed training for various events with my friends and getting out of my comfort zone. I discovered CrossFit in 2010. I found my CrossFit family in January 2015. I encouraged anyone that asked me to try CrossFit, but I'd never been inside a box. I knew pride was a major factor, so I challenged myself to try it for a month. I couldn't know what I was asking other to do unless I knew for myself. I.Loved.It. I can crush a workout and drive myself to work hard by myself. The nature of CrossFit made it easy to not want to stop it, so I was a garage athlete for 4.5 years. However, walking into HomeGrown was the beginning of a deeper love. I found my people. It will be hard to not see them. There are so many faces that instantly make me happy when I see them walk in. We see each other sweaty, making crazy faces, struggling, fighting, enduring, and celebrating. It feels like taking that step again, walking into the unknown of another community, won't be any easier than my first time was.
Overall, life here is comfortable. I am free to be myself. I feel there are no expectations for me to be anyone else here in my happy world. I'm hoping my community in Utah doesn't exclude me for not being Mormon, for not being native, for hating Trump... Interesting how the Bible Belt might be the most religious area of the US, but I see more "God" out here. I see people worried about the outliers. I see a love of people no matter their labels, skin color, or religion. Humans like to read and see things that reinforce their beliefs, therefore, I like it here. :) I don't care if you are ____.
So, I've written and cried through my first post about moving. I'm at the beginning of letting go, and it already sucks. Mostly, it hurts when I think about leaving friends. I genuinely care about so many people here. I love a lot of people here. I don't want to go from full to empty overnight. THANK GOD, I'll have my sister with me for a month as we leave here and settle in Utah! My Goodness, she's my favorite. Be ready, Shar. I'm going to be a mess. And, Hallelujah! Anthony is taking a gap year and won't leave for college for another year!
Don't get me wrong. This will be the 18th place I've lived. I do moving and change fairly well. I will find friends. I will find a gym. I will enjoy our new home. I will have my boys. I get to see Melinda, my roommate and best friend in college. Utah will bring other "new things." I will live in 4 seasons again. I'm open to the possibility of it being even better than California. Who knows? I'm just currently mourning, yet hopeful. I don't want to stuff whatever it is I'm feeling. I'd rather process and move through it. It'll be awesome on the other side when I start getting super excited about this next adventure. :) So, bear with me. Give me a hug if you see me.
Monday, March 19, 2018
Thursday, March 8, 2018
International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day
I tell myself (and others when relevant) not to make decisions for tomorrow based on how I feel today. However, last night I looked at today's workout and thought of 10 lame reasons why I "should" not do it. Thankfully, I woke up, saw that no excuses from the previous night were actually valid, and realized I needed to commit to doing a long, hard workout. I mean, I'd be doing it with friends, and life is SO good with friends- especially in the tough parts.
The clothes I'd laid out the night before weren't my designated "workout" clothes, yet all of my clothes are workout clothes. I got dressed and showed up at the gym ready to go. Then, it started getting warm. My long sleeved shirt was not comfortable, but all I had one under it was a sports bra. Now, I say that I am proud of my stretch marked belly because I was lucky enough to carry not just one but THREE babies, and I am! I actually call them my "love marks" because they came from my loves. However, I have never taken off my shirt at the gym and subjected anyone else to my marks, my jiggly skin, my boobs in a bra... Today, I was hot enough to do just that, after some reassurance from a friend that no one cared- as I stood panting. I was MUCH more comfortable, and I did my running, rowing, assault biking and jump roping without overheating.
Then, I came home to shower before errands, and Pink's "Great Escape" came on my playlist when I got out of the shower. I, of course, have to belt out the song. I mean, it's Pink! So, I find myself shouting a song, naked in my room, and on the verge of tears. No one is around, so I'm totally comfortable being myself. I wonder "Why can't I feel that way when people ARE around?" If Russ were to walk in on me in that scenario, I'd sit up straight so my belly skin didn't sag and create rolls or I'd just stand up. I'd pull my shoulders back so my breasts wouldn't look so droopy. I have almost been married to this man for 20 years, so he's seen me naked a few times. Yet, I still would not feel as comfortable with him there as I would with him gone. (This is from me; he has never made a negative comment about my body.)
At what point in life do I finally not give a shit? At what point am I finally going to be comfortable with me no matter what or where? I feel like I'm getting pretty close regarding the character of me. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm not quite there with the body of me. I remember going to Cape May in NJ several years ago and watching women of all body types run, swim, and hang out in bikinis, and it inspired me to get a bikini. If they didn't care, why should I? Plus, love marks look better with a tan.
Anyway, it's International Women's Day, and it seems so damn petty that my quandary is over my having exposed some skin in front of teammates. I follow Humans of NY, and he's currently highlighting Myanmar, Muslim refugees. Women are telling stories of their villages being attacked, having no time to run back to their houses, and knowing their children are burning. It's heartwrenching. All over the world, women and young girls are being trafficked. They are still without rights and equality. They are denied an education. They are considered less than. They are considered property. They are hated and loved simultaneously. They don't have voices that matter. I sit here crying as I write these atrocities down. I want to shake the world and wake it the f up.
This absurdity has been going on for far too long in our world. It's an incredibly, irritating song on repeat. Change needs to happen. I celebrate marginalized people of the world who are finding their voices and pushing forward to be heard. I stand with them all, just like the Whos on the floating dust stood together to help raise their voices enough to be heard by Horton's friends.
I know I usually post on this day about wonderful women in my life, and I have the privilege of loving and knowing so many marvelous women. I want to know more. Today, I instead encourage us to be upstanders and not bystanders. Pay attention to those around who may need help lifting their voices or finding their strength. Raise our own voices against bigotry, inequality, and hate when we see and hear it. Spread love and support without expectation. Be our best selves. Remember, our being lifted up doesn't come from putting others down, and DON'T JUDGE.
Now that I'm at the end, I think I've figured out "when" I'll feel comfortable naked or exposed. It's when I stop worrying about being judged. If I'm comfortable when all by myself, then I want to feel the same in any other situation- Las Vegas pool, CrossFit, beach, etc. That's IT! Finally, at 44, I have recognized the "why" and can start the process of making it a non-issue. Look at the gift I received today just by blogging my thoughts. :) I'm always learning. Happy International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day!
The clothes I'd laid out the night before weren't my designated "workout" clothes, yet all of my clothes are workout clothes. I got dressed and showed up at the gym ready to go. Then, it started getting warm. My long sleeved shirt was not comfortable, but all I had one under it was a sports bra. Now, I say that I am proud of my stretch marked belly because I was lucky enough to carry not just one but THREE babies, and I am! I actually call them my "love marks" because they came from my loves. However, I have never taken off my shirt at the gym and subjected anyone else to my marks, my jiggly skin, my boobs in a bra... Today, I was hot enough to do just that, after some reassurance from a friend that no one cared- as I stood panting. I was MUCH more comfortable, and I did my running, rowing, assault biking and jump roping without overheating.
Then, I came home to shower before errands, and Pink's "Great Escape" came on my playlist when I got out of the shower. I, of course, have to belt out the song. I mean, it's Pink! So, I find myself shouting a song, naked in my room, and on the verge of tears. No one is around, so I'm totally comfortable being myself. I wonder "Why can't I feel that way when people ARE around?" If Russ were to walk in on me in that scenario, I'd sit up straight so my belly skin didn't sag and create rolls or I'd just stand up. I'd pull my shoulders back so my breasts wouldn't look so droopy. I have almost been married to this man for 20 years, so he's seen me naked a few times. Yet, I still would not feel as comfortable with him there as I would with him gone. (This is from me; he has never made a negative comment about my body.)
At what point in life do I finally not give a shit? At what point am I finally going to be comfortable with me no matter what or where? I feel like I'm getting pretty close regarding the character of me. I'm comfortable with who I am. I'm not quite there with the body of me. I remember going to Cape May in NJ several years ago and watching women of all body types run, swim, and hang out in bikinis, and it inspired me to get a bikini. If they didn't care, why should I? Plus, love marks look better with a tan.
Anyway, it's International Women's Day, and it seems so damn petty that my quandary is over my having exposed some skin in front of teammates. I follow Humans of NY, and he's currently highlighting Myanmar, Muslim refugees. Women are telling stories of their villages being attacked, having no time to run back to their houses, and knowing their children are burning. It's heartwrenching. All over the world, women and young girls are being trafficked. They are still without rights and equality. They are denied an education. They are considered less than. They are considered property. They are hated and loved simultaneously. They don't have voices that matter. I sit here crying as I write these atrocities down. I want to shake the world and wake it the f up.
This absurdity has been going on for far too long in our world. It's an incredibly, irritating song on repeat. Change needs to happen. I celebrate marginalized people of the world who are finding their voices and pushing forward to be heard. I stand with them all, just like the Whos on the floating dust stood together to help raise their voices enough to be heard by Horton's friends.
I know I usually post on this day about wonderful women in my life, and I have the privilege of loving and knowing so many marvelous women. I want to know more. Today, I instead encourage us to be upstanders and not bystanders. Pay attention to those around who may need help lifting their voices or finding their strength. Raise our own voices against bigotry, inequality, and hate when we see and hear it. Spread love and support without expectation. Be our best selves. Remember, our being lifted up doesn't come from putting others down, and DON'T JUDGE.
Now that I'm at the end, I think I've figured out "when" I'll feel comfortable naked or exposed. It's when I stop worrying about being judged. If I'm comfortable when all by myself, then I want to feel the same in any other situation- Las Vegas pool, CrossFit, beach, etc. That's IT! Finally, at 44, I have recognized the "why" and can start the process of making it a non-issue. Look at the gift I received today just by blogging my thoughts. :) I'm always learning. Happy International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day!
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