I was a Labor and Delivery Nurse, and I LOVED my job even before I had my own kids. Then, I had these beautiful babies of my own that I could love, kiss, hold, hug and sit in awe of whenever I wanted. I loved them so much that I played endless rounds of mind numbing trains, cars, or blocks. I read to them when I had trouble keeping my own eyes open. I loved watching them nurse, learn, discover, and grow. I loved them through the eyes of their mother, the one who birthed them. They depended on me for everything in the beginning and for most things for many years after.
As they've grown up, their existence doesn't really hinge on me as much. I am an awesome taxi service, which I enjoy. But other than that, they can prepare their own food, make pretty good decisions, not burn down the house if we're gone, and entertain themselves if needed. They can do laundry, bathe themselves, read to themselves, and even take care of the dogs. So, with this growing independence, which I believe I'm meant to teach them and encourage in them, I get to take a step back and start seeing them through the world's eye. Oh.my.goodness. I'm falling in love.
I can remember in high school watching a boyfriend play guitar and being mesmerized. I enjoyed being around boys then that I could talk to like they were friends- the ones that didn't walk around with puffed chests and egos that parted the crowd before they walked through. I had a crush on a guy in high school for 4 years because he was a goofball and made me laugh. One reason it's nice being a mom of boys is that I can remember being a teenage girl. ;)
I look at Anthony, and I swear that I can physically feel my heart swelling in my chest. He's the quiet type. Doesn't say much, but he's listening. His moral character is strong, and he's so rational that he can be the voice of reason in our house. I sit there listening to him play guitar, and I feel like that girl back in high school... amazed and eager to stay until the end of the concert. I see those gorgeous, green eyes and big smile, and I think about the next woman who will look into those eyes every day of her life with him. They're so soft and taking in what you're saying. How lucky she will be! She'll get to make him laugh and witness the smile that goes from his mouth to the sides of his temples. He'll open her doors, give thoughtful gifts, and listen when he asks how her day went.
I look at Chas, and I feel my heart FALL in my chest. It melts. Looking at him moves me to grab him and hug him tightly. He's got those powerful, blue eyes that almost intently search your soul as you speak. Chas is a sensitive boy that puts you at ease yet makes you laugh. He'll be the husband who will recognize the second she walks in the door that his wife's had a bad day, and he'll wrap his arms around her as she lets loose. He's the boy now that will come to my aide without my asking and give me a hug when I'm crying, feeling down, or just sad. He PAYS attention! It seems he has 100% recall most times, and he'll be a great listener, communicator, and love with all of his heart. I like to sit at the park and hang out with him now, so I can imagine what girls think of him.
Starks is still young and needs me a little more that I've only begun to take a step back. His teacher let me know that he'd fit in at her house very well. :) She said, "He makes me laugh at least once a day." I can see that! He makes ME laugh. He'll probably be the guy that'll make his girlfriend laugh while she's crying. (Russ knows something about that.) He is VERY thoughtful, too, and makes sure I know that he loves me and thinks I'm awesome if he sees my tears or knows I'm sad. After putting them to bed the other night, he asked Chas to say another prayer for me with him because he was "worried" about me and my cold. Too much precious! Starks is abundantly affectionate and will no doubt show his love in that way. He'll hold hands, put his arm around his girlfriend, and want to be close. I see him as a protector and adorer of his love. He'll be all in.
What a gift to be given these glimpses of what they do today and possible translations into their lives later. I do know that God blessed me with three utterly amazing boys that fill my heart, teach me, and grow me in some way each day. I pray they hold on to the truth of who they are and are bold enough to grow into who they are meant to be. I feel like if the goal of parenting was to make the next generation better than myself, then I need to drop the mic and strut off the stage. However, I know there's more to be done, and that's not actually the aim.
I am acutely aware of my precious, limited time with the boys in our home, and I'm soaking it all in. ALL of it. Arguments. Referee time. Laughter. Conversation. Laundry. Cooking EVERY day- like three times. ;) Watching them move through the hours around me. I get to be here. I am privileged to see their faces, hear their voices, know their hearts, hold their bodies, and share with them. My gracious, I have no idea how one person could deserve so much beauty.
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