International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day

I tell myself (and others when relevant) not to make decisions for tomorrow based on how I feel today.  However, last night I looked at today's workout and thought of 10 lame reasons why I "should" not do it.  Thankfully, I woke up, saw that no excuses from the previous night were actually valid, and realized I needed to commit to doing a long, hard workout.  I mean, I'd be doing it with friends, and life is SO good with friends- especially in the tough parts.

The clothes I'd laid out the night before weren't my designated "workout" clothes, yet all of my clothes are workout clothes.  I got dressed and showed up at the gym ready to go.  Then, it started getting warm.  My long sleeved shirt was not comfortable, but all I had one under it was a sports bra.  Now, I say that I am proud of my stretch marked belly because I was lucky enough to carry not just one but THREE babies, and I am!  I actually call them my "love marks" because they came from my loves.  However, I have never taken off my shirt at the gym and subjected anyone else to my marks, my jiggly skin, my boobs in a bra... Today, I was hot enough to do just that, after some reassurance from a friend that no one cared- as I stood panting.  I was MUCH more comfortable, and I did my running, rowing, assault biking and jump roping without overheating.

Then, I came home to shower before errands, and Pink's "Great Escape" came on my playlist when I got out of the shower.  I, of course, have to belt out the song.  I mean, it's Pink!  So, I find myself shouting a song, naked in my room, and on the verge of tears.  No one is around, so I'm totally comfortable being myself.  I wonder "Why can't I feel that way when people ARE around?"  If Russ were to walk in on me in that scenario, I'd sit up straight so my belly skin didn't sag and create rolls or I'd just stand up.  I'd pull my shoulders back so my breasts wouldn't look so droopy.  I have almost been married to this man for 20 years, so he's seen me naked a few times.  Yet, I still would not feel as comfortable with him there as I would with him gone.  (This is from me; he has never made a negative comment about my body.)

At what point in life do I finally not give a shit?  At what point am I finally going to be comfortable with me no matter what or where?  I feel like I'm getting pretty close regarding the character of me.  I'm comfortable with who I am.  I'm not quite there with the body of me.  I remember going to Cape May in NJ several years ago and watching women of all body types run, swim, and hang out in bikinis, and it inspired me to get a bikini.  If they didn't care, why should I?  Plus, love marks look better with a tan.

Anyway, it's International Women's Day, and it seems so damn petty that my quandary is over my having exposed some skin in front of teammates.  I follow Humans of NY, and he's currently highlighting Myanmar, Muslim refugees.  Women are telling stories of their villages being attacked, having no time to run back to their houses, and knowing their children are burning.  It's heartwrenching.  All over the world, women and young girls are being trafficked.  They are still without rights and equality.  They are denied an education.  They are considered less than.  They are considered property.  They are hated and loved simultaneously.  They don't have voices that matter.  I sit here crying as I write these atrocities down.  I want to shake the world and wake it the f up.

This absurdity has been going on for far too long in our world.  It's an incredibly, irritating song on repeat.  Change needs to happen.  I celebrate marginalized people of the world who are finding their voices and pushing forward to be heard.  I stand with them all, just like the Whos on the floating dust stood together to help raise their voices enough to be heard by Horton's friends.

I know I usually post on this day about wonderful women in my life, and I have the privilege of loving and knowing so many marvelous women.  I want to know more.  Today, I instead encourage us to be upstanders and not bystanders.  Pay attention to those around who may need help lifting their voices or finding their strength.  Raise our own voices against bigotry, inequality, and hate when we see and hear it.  Spread love and support without expectation.  Be our best selves.  Remember, our being lifted up doesn't come from putting others down, and DON'T JUDGE.

Now that I'm at the end, I think I've figured out "when" I'll feel comfortable naked or exposed.  It's when I stop worrying about being judged.  If I'm comfortable when all by myself, then I want to feel the same in any other situation- Las Vegas pool, CrossFit, beach, etc.  That's IT!  Finally, at 44, I have recognized the "why" and can start the process of making it a non-issue.  Look at the gift I received today just by blogging my thoughts.  :)  I'm always learning.  Happy International Women's Day and Love Yourself Day!